Rachel's Story - Balance

Life is so busy – especially when you’re young and your friends want to be socializing many nights and you have work commitments and exercise routines to fit in and family engagements…pretty soon there are so many demands on one’s time that it becomes stressful for anyone, let alone someone living with a mental illness. I know from experience that a big part of staying healthy with my bipolar disorder involves getting at least 8 hours of sleep a night and maintaining a healthy balance in my life (ie: not working too much, not socializing at the expense of my sleep, making sure I get regular exercise, etc.).

In the beginning, it was difficult for some of my friends to understand that occasionally I had to turn them down, choosing instead to stay in and get some rest. My true friends, though, have learned to accept this over time and it helps me to create a balanced lifestyle.

The exercise piece is difficult sometimes. When I’m really depressed, the last thing I feel like doing is dragging myself out for a run or to a yoga class. But when I’m feeling good or only mildly depressed, exercise can keep me from spiraling down. It definitely helps me to de-stress and to sleep better.

In combination with meds and regular visits to my psychiatrist & CBT, these are the elements that seem to be keeping me relatively healthy and balanced these days.

Rachel's Story - Panic

I just started a new panic group at the ROH to try to deal with the panic disorder I’ve been experiencing. Apparently, panic disorder is present if panic attacks are accompanied by a persistent anxiety or worry about having another attack, are associated with a fearful interpretation of panic symptoms or result in life changes as a result of the attacks. I’ve been experiencing several panic attacks lately, predominantly at bedtime. I suddenly become very fearful, my heart begins to race and pound, my body trembles, I sweat, feel dizzy, feel short of breath and have thoughts that I am “going crazy”.

Due to fear of panic attacks, I have often avoided certain situations. These have included public places where lots of people are in a small space such as public transportation (buses, subways), concerts, parties, shopping malls, etc.

Historically, to deal with my panic attacks, I have frequently depended upon self-harm (which I realize is destructive and not a good solution) and medication (clonazepam and lorazepam). I am hoping that the group I’ve just started will provide me with some good alternative solutions. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Rachel's Story - Friendships

It is sad but many of my friendships have suffered as a result of my illness. I was asked this week what I have lost due to my illness and friendships would be at the top of my list. Because my natural instinct is to isolate myself when I’m feeling down, this breaks up my connections with other people. Some friends understand this and those are my best friends (the friendships I’ve managed to maintain). I truly appreciate them. But because when I’m down I find it excruciatingly hard to reach out to others, it’s difficult to make links. Over the years I think I have lost many opportunities this way.

Recently though, I have made some new friends through the course of my treatment at the hospital. They are others, who, like me, are struggling with a similar illness. I value these friends because they truly understand what I’m going through and they give me HOPE to continue my battle. We are able to share stories and symptoms in a way that others cannot understand. I am so thankful to these friends (you all know who you are) and urge more people to come forward here on the blog and share – it really helps!

Rachel's Story - Dark feelings

It’s amazing how difficult it is to talk about some of the feelings I have. The darker the feelings, the harder it seems to talk about them. This is why, for years, I didn’t tell anyone about the way I felt; I desperately hid everything. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was picking up the phone the first time I ever called a psychiatrist and admitted I needed help. I felt so embarrassed and alone. It turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done because it got me some much needed help and, ultimately, saved my life.

Even recently, though, I have struggled when it comes to opening up about the dark feelings inside of me. I have felt ashamed and embarrassed. This is why I sometimes have harmed myself rather than asked for help. But do you know what? When I have asked for help, I have NEVER regretted it. And it has frequently served to remind me that I’m not alone.

Rachel's Story - Patience

Over the past couple of weeks I have caught my mood slipping a little bit. I am beginning to wonder if this is at all seasonal (as this is exactly what happened last year at this time: it started in September, snowballed in October, and I ended up in hospital in November). I think it’s a really positive sign that I caught my mood slipping. I was able to recognize the signs this year really early and tell my doctor. Therefore, he raised my medication and I thought all would be well! But things are never quite that simple; I have developed an allergic reaction to the medication when at a higher dose. And this will doubtlessly mean more trial and error to find another medication to take its place.

That’s one major difference between being hospitalized and not: when I was an inpatient my doctor put me on and off different meds very quickly because I was in the safe environment of the hospital, under the constant supervision of the nursing staff. As an outpatient, the process is much slower, taking weeks at a time to test one single medication. I keep telling myself to be patient and that we’ll eventually find the right combination of meds, but sometimes it’s hard to believe. Those are the times when I feel especially lucky to have some amazing, HOPEFUL people in my life (because they keep believing in me and for me)! Many of those people spent hours visiting me at the Royal when I was an inpatient, encouraging me with compassion, understanding and hope through my roughest times and I am very grateful.

You Know Who I Am links

Our FaceBook YKWIAM Page is located at http://www.facebook.com/pages/You-Know-Who-I-Am/78035047062

Our FaceBook group can be found at:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=127722665370&ref=ts

Rachel's Story - Relief vs. Fear

I felt mixed about my admission. Part of me was relieved that someone was stepping in. That my collection of prescription drugs and razors and anything else that could cause me any harm was being taken away from me. That from now on the focus would be on rest and rehabilitation. Another part of me, though, was scared. Even though I had been hospitalized before, it was in Toronto, never here. I didn’t know what to expect. What would the staff be like? What would the other patients be like? Would the food be good? I was also keenly aware of the stigma associated with yet another stay at a “psych ward”. What did that say about me? Am I crazy?

As it turned out, I had a room to myself and I bonded with my primary nurse almost immediately. I really felt that she was on my side and willing to do whatever she could to help me. During the first few weeks of my hospitalization I kept pretty much to myself, staying in my room, sleeping. I was heavily medicated (this made me really tired and also makes it quite difficult for me to recall this period too specifically). I remember being somewhat impressed by the quality of the food, though! I was encouraged by my nurse to spend some time out of my room so I would watch some TV in the common area, but mainly I was too tired to focus. I slowly began to make friends with other patients and we would compare symptoms, meds and side effects. It was comforting to speak with other people who were going through similar struggles.

To be continued...