Rachel's Story - Week Six in Hospital

Good morning....well, ok, that's pushing it.  It's an ok morning.  I'm home on a weekend pass, so that's good but I haven't been discharged yet and I likely won't be before Christmas.  I'm feeling vulnerable as I write because I'm still very much in the process of trying to pull through this episode of depression, psychosis, mixed-whatever-it-is....I still don't fully comprehend it.  I'll try to be patient and just let it play out.  Not judge.  I thought I would just share some thoughts with you this morning on the off chance it would help someone out there to feel less lonely (or help me to feel less lonely!).  'Tis the season for spreading HOPE after all!  I'm definitely feeling a little more HOPEFUL than I was 6 weeks ago when I was admitted to hospital, so if there's HOPE for me, there's got to be HOPE for others too, logically.  Each time I'm admitted to the hospital the doctors take it as an opportunity to test my reaction to many psychiatric medications very quickly without worrying about side effects because of the safety the hospital provides.  I have been on 16 different psychiatric meds in the past two years. Effexor. Lorazepam. Prozac. Lamotrigine. Zopiclone. Celexa. Clonazepam. Carbemazepine. Lithium. Seroquel. Seroquel XR. Olanzepine. Epival. Invega. Topamax. Wellbutrin.  Each of these meds comes with their own particular side effects and withdrawal symptoms.  I've suffered from many, from mild to dramatic, including dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, memory loss, and a grand mal seizure.   So, this time, while I've been in the hospital, I've eaten up a large portion of my list of possible meds yet to try.  This means, either: 1) I am that much closer to finding a combination of meds that works OR 2) I'm about to prove to everyone that, just as I have always felt when I have been most depressed, there is no possible combination for me in terms of pills, we've been wasting our time, and maybe I need some kind of other alternative therapy (has anyone else ever heard about the pig farmer???).  Either way, it's a win-win situation for me.