Friday, May 1, 2009

Rachel's Story - Back to work

I went back to work two weeks ago.  I don’t know what I expected exactly.  I was looking forward to it though.  I had become increasingly bored of being at home every day with nothing to do.  My days consisted of watching TV and walking my dog and not much else.  So going back to work seemed like a great idea.  And it has been positive to a certain extent.  I enjoy being back with all my friends.  The social aspect is a big plus. 


But the big shock was my loss of confidence.  I didn’t expect that I would feel so lost in a job I’ve been doing for nearly 3 years.  In the beginning, I couldn’t help feeling that I was doing things wrong; that I had everything backwards somehow.  Going to work was filled with fear.  I felt different.  Like every client knew what I had been through and that I was no longer competent or qualified to do my job.  Almost like my hospitalization had stolen my good qualities and left me bereft of confidence.


I was also dealing with feelings of paranoia; I felt that at any moment I was going to be given a warning or be fired for my poor performance, despite a lack of evidence to support this: I wasn’t being given any negative feedback.  Slowly now, shift by shift, my confidence is coming back.  I am a little relieved to see that I can handle things and that I am good at what I do but it is still a struggle every day.