I went back to work two weeks ago. I don’t know what I expected exactly. I was looking forward to it though. I had become increasingly bored of being at home every day with nothing to do. My days consisted of watching TV and walking my dog and not much else. So going back to work seemed like a great idea. And it has been positive to a certain extent. I enjoy being back with all my friends. The social aspect is a big plus.
But the big shock was my loss of confidence. I didn’t expect that I would feel so lost in a job I’ve been doing for nearly 3 years. In the beginning, I couldn’t help feeling that I was doing things wrong; that I had everything backwards somehow. Going to work was filled with fear. I felt different. Like every client knew what I had been through and that I was no longer competent or qualified to do my job. Almost like my hospitalization had stolen my good qualities and left me bereft of confidence.
17 comments:
Hi Rachel
Good to hear that you have started back to work.
I am sure it will only get better. Baby steps, right.
things have been up and down for me but I am encouraged by the support of my friends and the work that I am doing in therapy.
Keep posting. It gives me hope.
Hi Melba,
Glad to hear from you - it gives me hope as well. Today was an especially tough day at work so it was nice to come home and find your message.
Good to hear you have a strong support network and it sounds like therapy is going well. I've just started a therapy group at the ROH at it seems promising.
Stay strong.
Hi Rachael
I have been where you are today. Now I am back to normal, in fact better than normal. You will get there too. Just keep going and learning about yourself. This is one of the most interesting parts of your journey. It took me a long time to get the confidence to do what I do. But I have climbed to the top of the mountain. I slid down the side so many times. But soon I was staying on the top longer and longer. You will too. Don't hurry.
Hi Rachael
I thought I would add some more information as to what I went through, I didn't have medication for the first 10 years. I had had cognitive therapy which was a terrific learning experience and learned some relaxation techniques. But the anxiety was always there, lurking around every corner.
When I first went back to work, I had to talk to myself constantly. But I was determined that I would be in control, not the anxiety. I was not going to let this rule my life. I chaired committee meetings, drove everywhere (all the time doing relaxation techniques) and continued to live my life. Finally when I was exhausted from the effort I went to the Royal Hospital, met a wonderful dr. and was put on Paxil. The difference was like night and day. I realize I was lucky. This was in 1990.
I talk about the learning experience. I thought about what I was doing and how I was doing it all the time. I found new ideas in discussions with my psychiatrist as how to handle situations. Slowly I started to regain confidence and to realize that I was smart and had great ideas and that I, in the end would win the battle. It wasn't easy BUT my life is better than it ever was because now I believe in myself. I wouldn't ever want to repeat the experience but in the end I am glad I went through this terrible journey. And eventually you will too. But it takes time. Work at it, learn from it.
The other thing I wanted to say, is something my Dr. said when I first met her. She said that my brain has been ill, pretend it has pneumonia. It takes time to get over a bad case of pneumonia. Now your brain is fragile but give it the support it needs. Just as if you body was suffering from pneumonia and its aftereffects. Lots of rest. Learn where your limits are, mentally and physically.
You are on your way. And you will succeed. Anybody that handles work and school is really something.
P.S. if you ever want to talk, let me know.
Patty Anne: Thank you for your words of encouragement and for sharing your story, not just with me but with everyone. You are right, it is hard to remember that I have been ill and that my brain and body need time to readjust and get better.
You were lucky that the Paxil made a difference right away. It has been difficult finding the right combination of meds for me- it seems like forever but I try to have faith that we will find the right combination soon and this rough patch will be behind me like it is for you. Also, it's hard not to hurry because it feels like it's taking so long to make progress.
I am learning a lot from my cognitive behavioural groups that I take on a weekly basis at the hospital - they seem to help quite a bit.
Thank you so much for your positive outlook, it is sometimes hard to have faith that things will get better but your message is an excellent reminder.
Rachel
I just wanted to say how great it is to see/hear everyone helping and supporting each other. Truly inspiring and I see the feelings of HOPE here with all of you. Never give up as I well know as I have just returned to work again after another period of struggling.
Hi Rachel, Patty Anne and Larry
I feel we all have to try and share our experiences, continue to break the silence as we need each other.
it is encouraging to know that I am not alone
How are you, Melba?
Dear Rachel
Yes I was very lucky to find the right meds right away. Now some psychiatrists are saying that it is an indication of Bipolar Disorder. Anyway, I treat this as very interesting. Others I know have had a terrible time adjusting and finding new meds. One fellow I know cannot find anything to help. I am just hoping that new meds will keep coming. I guess it is because our brains are all different. But I have been told it is also because we are very intelligent and creative. In fact there is some research that is ongoing to see if Bipolar Disorder is more prevalent in creative, intelligent types. Take some comfort in that Rachael. You are unique and special. Ordinary people just do not get this. Extraordinary people do.
Hi Rachel
Thanks for asking.
I am about the same- trying hard to get my meds under control and looking for a new PDOC..
I am still on the wait list for services at the ROH but did undergo some psychological testing recommended by my PDOC to determine a further diagnosis and make treatment recommendations.
I try everyday to stay positive and strive to find a way to get past these difficult times. It is really tough. I really would like to find a solution to the ongoing anxiety that plagues me every day.
I refuse to give up on myself
How are things going at work for you?
you have a great attitude, Melba!
things at work are better and better - it's a slow but steady process.
Patty Anne,
Thanks for your lovely comments. So hopeful and eloquent. You have a wonderful perspective - i will try to take comfort in what you have said! Are you familiar with the works of Kay Redfield Jamison? Her view is very much like the one you are expressing and I admire her work very much.
rachel
Hi Rachel and everyone else. First I must apologize for intruding on Rachels blog writings/conversations. I use to write telling my story on this site but due to relapse I quit writing and withdrew from everyone to enter treatment again which lasted another 6months. I have been back to work for a month now, against all odds, and hope to someday write about it all for all to hopefully see that it can be done, you can overcome, and to never giveup hope please. Along with treatment and many adjustments in meds,as recently as 2 weeks ago with new ones on a 2week buildup/test run/experimenting with dosages, well I just wanted to say again to all of you to please never giveup. Take care, be good and stay safe
Hi everyone:
I have a question... when you are not doing so well, what or how much do you share with your workplace?
I always feel so insecure when I am having problems and if I were to tell them why, they may judge me.
Melba
Hi everyone
I am still not comfortable talking about my major depression in the open except with my family or close friends. However after 4 years of being diagnosed, a stay in a psych institute, medications and now recovery w/o meds, I feel like I should share with others and help out. I am still quite afraid of being judged by others.
As for my workplace, I have only been there for a year so I do not trust anyone yet to share my bad days (which are still here but I am better at managing them now)
I hope to be able to come back to this blog one day and share my whole story. I am in the process of finding a new therapist in the area and I really believe that talk therapy is very useful. I cannot continue to burden my partner with my issues (although he is very supportive) because sometimes one just needs a place to say things that cannot be said.
I will be back ...
cheers
J
Hi J,
thanks for sharing! every little bit helps!! i hope you feel better having had the courage to share. I also believe that talk therapy is very useful. Have you had any luck finding a new therapist?
I hope you don't feel judged by others here. Please keep sharing. We'd love to hear more about you and your story.
Rachel
Hi Melba,
I am very fortunate at my workplace. I am very friendly with the people I work with so when I am down I am able to share quite a bit about how I am doing. Last time I was hospitalized they even came to visit me! It was scary to share in the beginning but once I shared a bit I discovered they were mostly all very supportive and I could share more. I realize I am lucky on this front and not everyone is in this position though.
How are you?
Rachel
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