Rachel's Story - Intro

Hi, my name is Rachel.  I’m 25 years old.  I have a two-year old Yorkie whom I adore.  I am a vegetarian and Indian & Sushi are among my favourite foods.  In my spare time I love practicing yoga and watching movies.  I have a degree from the University of Ottawa in Theatre (I LOVE acting and directing) and in Communications.  I’m a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a student, an employee, a friend.  I am one of the 1 in 5 people affected by mental illness in our community.  I have Bipolar Disorder.

 

Clearly, the decision to be open with others about any illness is very personal and, unfortunately, there is lots of stigma attached to mental illness in particular.  But I want to share my experience of this disease with you; both the experiences of my past, and the journey I’m on now.  I’m eager to share because for the first 23 years of my life, I hid the symptoms and feelings I was so ashamed of.  No one in my world talked about mental illness.  I didn’t know of anyone who saw a psychiatrist or had a diagnosed psychiatric disorder.  I had no idea that my out-of-control moods and dark thoughts were in fact due to a chemical imbalance.  I felt so alone.  So I spent every day putting all of my energy into showing the world that I was ok – just like everybody else (it’s no wonder that when it came time to choosing what I wanted to pursue at University, I wanted to learn acting!).  As you may know from personal experience, this is an exhausting way to live.  In class at school, I tried very hard to focus so as not to break down in tears.  I just wanted to lie curled up on the floor and disappear forever.  I still feel this way much of the time.  In fact, this past week or so has been filled with feelings like this.  I am relieved, though, to have a reason (a diagnosis) and people to talk with about it (whether that be a friend, a family member or my doctor).  It has been freeing to not feel that I have to hide this HUGE thing I am going through.  The openness has created somewhat of a support system.  People in my life weren’t able to help me when they didn’t know what, if anything, was wrong.  That being said, my natural instinct when I’m sick is still to withdraw from the world and isolate myself, even from the people who are closest to me.  It continues to be a constant struggle right now, every day.  I realized this past week that I was falling back into my old pattern of faking feeling good.  It’s so hard when I know that everyone in my life wants so desperately for me to be well.  I hate disappointing them…but I think I hate the loneliness even more.  I know that I’ve never felt worse by speaking honestly about my mental illness.   That being said, I hope that voicing my experience here will help me manage my symptoms and, more than anything, I hope that someone with similar symptoms might feel a little less lonely by reading about my journey.

thanks for reading.   

see you next week,

Rachel