Friday, October 10, 2008

Rachel's Story - how it began...

I can’t remember when this all started for me.  It’s not like this illness just snuck up on me.  In hindsight, I can see that it was building over the course of my life. Certain parts are a bit fuzzy in my mind (thanks, in part, to the illness, I think).  But I am going to try to share it, with the hope that others might identify with parts and feel less alone.

 As far back as I can remember, I have happy memories but also depressed ones.  From when I was a kid, I have memories of overwhelming sadness & loneliness without a particular reason.  I felt isolated from other kids at school.  I never really had any trouble making friends; I was popular among the other kids.  But still, school was actually a very lonely place for me when I was young, partly because it only served to reinforce the fact that my sadness was holding me back from being a happy, playful, carefree kid like the others (this is very similar to how I feel about being around large groups of people now).  These moments of intense sadness were balanced, though, with intensely happy times with a close, loving family.  I am so lucky for that.

 It wasn’t until I was a teenager that the depression became more painful, persistent and intense.  The first time I seriously wanted to kill myself was when I was about 16, I think.  And again, the reason I kept going everyday and did my best to hide what was really going on was because I loved my family more than anything.  In this way, I never slipped too far down or away with my depression, because my family was always around, doing things together that I still managed to enjoy.  In my late teens I confided in my brother.  I told him how much I was hurting inside and how lonely I felt, despite being surrounded by loving people.  I’ve always considered him to be my very best friend and confidante.  I realize that I am lucky to have him and that not everyone has someone they can trust like this.  Depression is a terrifying thing to admit.  I felt so deficient compared to everyone else around me; like I was such a loser because, somehow, I just couldn’t cope with things that seemed to come so easily to others.  I was embarrassed that I cried myself to sleep every night, overwhelmed by school, friends, expectations and LIFE.  I was having trouble doing basic things like getting out of bed in the morning and eating.  I was dragging myself through my life, trying my best in every moment to contain my SECRET.  Of course, looking back, I wish now that I’d somehow found the courage to ask for help, to tell my parents.  I didn’t know it then, of course, but things were about to get much worse.

 

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are NOT ALONE NOW!! Nor will you ever be, ya know what I mean. Please never ever forget this.I relate to so much you have said. You have a loving supporting family, which is such a blessing, and they are also blessed to have someone like you also. larry

Anonymous said...

Thanks Rachel for sharing..

I have just come to start realizing that I too have a long standing history with depression and anxiety dating back to my teens. I first thought of committing suicide when I was 15. I faked it and self medicated for years until I went through two major crisis. My rape in university and my abusive marriage.
I can't hide that I need help now and am grateful to many people who have been helping me so far.

Melba

Anonymous said...

Hi Melba,

thanks for sharing that. it's funny how we can "ignore" it for so long and then see it more clearly with hindsight. I didn't want to admit to MYSELF or others. i think it's scary partly because it's hard to understand what's going on inside us and other people have a really hard time understanding if they haven't experienced it, so they're scared too...i don't know. i just know that i can't change the past so i have to try and move forward now, living as honestly as possible. I just can't stand to FAKE it anymore. but it's hard. i catch myself doing it almost daily.

it sounds like you now have a good support system?

rachel

Anonymous said...

Hi Rachel

I am working on establishing a support system .. It is hard because I don't feel I can share with too many people.

I am single, divorced. no children and I can not share with my elderly parents or my sister (long story). I have told a few close friends and of course going back to counselling at the Rape Crisis Center will be helpful.

With this Thanksgiving weekend, I wish I could be more thankful but I don't like feeling this way and I struggle to get by every day.. But the only one thing is that I have some level of hope that things will be better. They were before and now falling into this depression again is I hope only temporary.

Have a nice weekend.

Melba

Anonymous said...

Melba, i'm feeling exactly the same way about Thanksgiving weekend. I just sat through dinner with my family and felt guilty that i just couldn't enjoy it. instead, i was uncomfortable, anxious, unfocused and sad. i couldn't wait for it to be over so i could retreat to be by myself. they all seemed to be having a great time and i wished i could too.

this might sound stupid but i am thankful to have been talking to people like you and Larry - people who can really identify with what's going. it all feels less lonely somehow, and that's a big plus.

so i hope you keep sharing.

rachel

Anonymous said...

Please do, and I'm really happy you two are able to share with each other and it will be less lonely for you two. larry

Anonymous said...

This seems to be my second major depressive episode in three years and it sucks!

I know what you mean about wishing that you could be happy when others seem to be having no problems. I questioned myself for far too long about what was wrong with me.

Accepting that I am 1 in 5 and can get well again, not perfect but who is, are my goals.

What are your goals Rachel if I can ask?

Tried to keep busy today after spending too many hours in bed, sad, numb and empty.

Melba

Anonymous said...

Goals? hmmm...i struggle with this lots. I have always been someone who is pretty goal-oriented (when i'm not depressed). I'm not feeling so great lately (spending many days like you just described above) so goal-setting becomes difficult and scary!!
Also, in manic times, i create long lists of goals and then rarely see them through.

Over the past couple of years though, since my diagnosis, my one recurring goal is to go back to school and get a masters degree in an area related to mental health so that i can better educate other people and share my experience to help others. I am currently taking 2 prerequisite classes (it's funny: i pop my anti-psychotics and then head out to my psychology class!!), hoping to apply to MA program this winter, to start next fall. that's the BIG goal. i'm finding it hard to stay motivated though because i'm feeling depressed and anxious. i worry that i won't be able to handle a full time program next fall and that even if I did the program and graduated, i'd be too messed up to help others anyway. so it's a constant fight with myself. mostly these days i'm feeling not too interested in GOALS.

many times my goals right now are:

-eat 3 meals today
-get some exercise
-don't sleep past 9am
-go to bed by 11pm
-take meds
-find a balance that keeps me healthy (this seems near impossible)

boring little goals like this feel monumental to me at times, which is why going back to school full-time often seems ridiculous.

do you set little goals for yourself throughout the day? like when to get OUT OF BED? i find it useful.

rachel

Anonymous said...

Hi Rachel

Getting out of bed is a real goal.. I find that I can force myself out of bed but then have to go for a nap after work which sometimes turns into a full night. So eating is a chore and often gets missed. I am trying to stop this cycle as it is not very healthy.

I am getting frustrated with med changes but I take them regularly because they are supposed to help and many times they do. Going through a rough time with this now.

Goals have to fit you and be reasonable and I find that it helps to talk to my counsellor about this. Speaking of which I am nervous about going back to therapy next week.
I am a sexual assault survivor and need some additional support around this in addition to my depression and anxiety. I am seeing my old therapist but it is still difficult to start again like I am a failure for not being able to do it on my own.

Hope you are taking care of yourself.

Melba

Anonymous said...

MELBA YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT A FAILURE !!! for not being able to do it on your own. Please DO NOT say this because what you are doing by starting again, this shows that you are NOT, you are being brave and couragous. You are showing GREAT strength by knowing that you do need help, and accepting this is a big step. larry