FirefightersStory-Thankyou to ALL/Obstacles

First, this past week has been so very very humbling, emotional, filled with many tears, a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs,BUT ITS ALL WORTH IT! Knowing that I was able to make a very small difference to others to help them realize that others who suffer like themselves, ARE out there. I went from being anonymous, to real public with revealing my identity with a picture for people to see me in order to make everyone realize that there is a face behind the story, which I felt was important. I thought that this would do more good for others, in that everyone who saw the 'face' behind the many messages we are all trying to get out to the public , far outweighed the consequences that now are part of what I will have to try and face in my life now. In my heart though, it was the right thing to do, and this is all I can say for now as it's very emotional obviously, and a very lonely place for me at this time now, BUT NO REGRETS!!!
To all of you who have helped raise the awareness, and you all know who you are, on behalf of everyone out here, a very big Thank you. Simple, yet it means so much.

I would like to briefly start on the subject of what I know was the biggest obstacle I had to fight through, in order for me to not only start therapy, but continue therapy. Some of the spillover effects, symptoms and such DO continue to this day, and can still be a challenge, but thats for another time. Many of you will recognize these other symptoms and challenges YOU face with being 1 in 5 and NOT having PTSD per say, but your own diagnosis of having a mental illness. I truly believe, my opinion only though, that we who suffer, have so very much in common, as in the spilloff symptoms, that if we were all able to sit down together and talk, we would all find out just how similar we all are. I like to say that we are all different, BUT we are all the same. I can tell you from my recent experiences, it is so very comforting for me to know that there are others who can relate so much to me, and me to them. Its comforting.
My biggest obstacle that I faced, WAS MYSELF! It was what was going on inside of my brain, my thoughts, my paranoia with what others would see, or what I would think they would be able to see. I would "think" that everyone and anyone who even looked at me, was around me, the public at large, my fellow firefighters, would be able to just look at me and say, ya, he's lost it. Although as I have said I came up with many ways to "hide in plain sight" as I call it, cover things up, run and hide my tears and breakdowns, put up a great fascade so others would not know, I went so far as to have many many detailed plans to exit, not only from certain situations that arose, but also from life. I always had to have a plan.
Every situation I faced, from going out to a store to get something, which obviously would be in public, to family situations, gatherings, get togethers, I had to have an exit plan, or an excuse to get away from everyone. Hence, the paranoia as I call it, and thats what it is/was with mental illness, be it real or not. In my mind it was ALL real though.
This is where MY BIGGEST fight was, and will be now. I say will be now, just because of the last weeks efforts to put a face to the story of mentall illness. Then, and now, its all the same. The fight is from within, for me.
I will write more about this struggle, at another time. As I keep saying I know my llimitations, and I must stop now, and try to take care of myself.
Again, THANK YOU to ALL OF YOU !! till next week, Larry