I MUST apologize to everyone as I will not be able to write my sunday weekly installment. I have said many times here that I must know my limitations, and I have to continually learn to take care of myself by putting myself first at times, which is so very difficult for me to do, because it is not in my nature to do so. Right now though, is one of those times. I must. The events of the last couple of weeks have taken an extreme toll on myself emotionally. I have ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS though! This must be stated and for those who know me, and for others who read the blog about my many adventures and suffering with PTSD and all that accompany's this, must not worry please. The cause of raising awareness that I believe in so very strongly, and am committed to, has not left me any less determined, but it has left me needing to try to take care of myself now in order to continue on.
I have seen and heard of so very many successes in the last couple of weeks since the kickoff breakfast for the Royal Ottawa's awareness campaign headed, by Mr Alfredsson, the Ottawa Senators hockey captain, and the "You know who i am" campaign. The successes I have heard about fill me with so much joy.
Unfortunately though, there has been a very strong resistance by some, and this resistance has been against me personally, and has affected me very negatively in so many ways. I cannot explain any of the details, as the details must stay confidential.
Suffice to say though, I must retreat for a hopefully short period of time to do what is necessary to take care of not only myself, but the most important people in my life, my family.
I am hoping this will be a short respite and break before I return to continue writing and hopefully being able to help others, and to face the adversity and challenges associated with trying to effect changes for everyone for the good of all.
Thank you very much, Larry
Sunday, October 19, 2008
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4 comments:
Hi Larry
How are things?
things are definitely rough, and unfortunately iv had a relapse and its very difficult. Forgot just how bad it can be,with emotions and feelings all over the place,feeling very sick, alone, vulnerable,have already dropped more weight as I cannot eat i've lost interest and my wife can't even force feed me, just don't care anymore about anything.Back to no sleep and going a million miles an hour to avoid thinking about other 'messy stuff' i've been able to keep at bay for many years, but have come out full force. I'm going to share something with you, and i guess everyone who reads this about just why i have had a relapse. Here's the short version. When I came out and was in the article in the citizen with my picture trying to do the right thing to put a face to make everyone realize it was a real person, which i was hoping would make others realize that it is real, mental illness, and to speak up and get help, well thanksgiving night when i was at work i was formally disciplined by a deputy chief where i work. Apparently my being photographed and identified as an "Ottawa" firefighter was reason for discipline. I am alone in my efforts to help others, no support from any chiefs who are suppose to be the ones who have our health and wellbeing first and foremost, but i found out differently. The very thing i am trying to change, stigmatisms and fear of speaking out to get help apparently is NOT part of my workplace and city. This total lack of support has caused me to relapse big time, and i am really not feeling too well about myself anymore,in that some scary thoughts are back in my mind again.Life is back to minute by minute again and fighting to stay alive and to keep going on with helping others.So confused,and sad, and thx for asking. Please be good to yourself and keep talking to Rachel as you have been as you both seem to be doing so well supporting each other. larry
I am very sorry Larry that you are being treated this way. Workplace stigmatize is still strong.
I really want to express that you should be proud of yourself in standing up and "coming out". You do not know how much you have helped me and all the people who read this blog. You have put a human face on this disease that we all suffer from in various degrees.
Please take care of yourself and know that we are all behind you through this difficult time.
Melba
thank you it means so much coming from you, and i'm in tears now as i know you are will and have been behind me and am just so happy to have helped others in some way, though unfortunately i have forgotten any of the positives now because of the discipline at work and i'm sorry to say iv just given up, i hate myself for trying, and i am totally useless as i just really have sunk low and now i have to just somehow try to survive.I am also so angry at those chiefs deputys and the fire chief for what they have done to me.its sad that how one terrible episode,my discipline and threatening me never to let it happen again and to cease and quit trying to raise awareness can erase all the positives that i know had happened by my trying to help others. i just hope the many 1in5 who have been affected by my trying to help out will NOT give up, as i have. Yes its a double standard I know, but i cant help it now. pls keep in touch as i appreciate your support so dearly. larry
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