FirefightersStory-Why I HAD to Enter Therapy

I remember all too well just how low I was, and had slid away from everyone around me. There was a state of total confusion in our household. My family, who loved me the most, and I them, were the people furthest from me. My wife was screaming inside, desperate for me to get help, in order that somehow it would save our family, and me. My kids had no understanding of what was going on. How could anyone expect my three young girls to understand something that my wife and myself as adults couldn't understand. Everyone was reeling with anger, and we were self destructing. My family , and myself included, all found a way to avoid each other, in order to survive from me and all the 'problems' , symptoms that I was exhibiting, and had, and thus caused. A tremendous feeling of guilt had overcome me by this time.


We all enter therapy for our own reasons. My reasons, I'm sure were similar to others, a combination of many things all culminating in my decision to start and embrace my therapy.


My whole world had hit rock bottom. I was scared with the choice that had been forced upon me. I say forced, because I had played all the cards I had in my hand, so to speak. I was lost, and would, and was, losing my family. My "avoidance" wasn't working. My family had collapsed as a "family unit" and was non existant. My wife and kids were going to leave me, their decision was already made, though at the time, I didn't realize that if I didn't change somehow, this is what was about to happen. My family was still holding onto THEIR HOPE that I would realize, by myself, that all of our existance together was so desperate and bleak that I would make that "lifesaving decision" and take the next step for ALL of us! Intensive, specialized treatment.

I had sought treatment though after I was trapped in the fire that I came so close to dying in. I had done everything that I knew to survive, cope, and yes, to avoid. I was running on empty. I had nothing left inside me that would allow me to change anything. I thought that because I had already sought help, that this was as good as it was going to get. Absolutely, perfectly, miserable! This was a nightmare, for everyone involved, literally and figuratively.

There were many symptoms I was experiencing now, and all were raging full force. My whole body was on a heightened state of "alertness". The nightmares that had plagued me for years had increased tenfold by now. This was when I got any sleep at all, which was extremely rare, and even while on medication to knock me out, to give me a brief respite from the nightmare that I was living. Ya, and that really worked well!! NOT!
I don't know how I didn't overdose on the sleeping pills , nerve pills, and combination of both that I was taking just to get maybe an hours sleep, as I had been doing for years, and getting more desperate to try and get rid of my nightmares. I was terrified of sleeping though, because I knew what I had to look forward to. Sheer terror, vivid real life and in color movies of those two prominent traumatic incidents/fires that were the focus of my being now. Not a minute went by that somehow, I didn't find myself replaying, and reliving those two incidents. Awake, asleep, didn't matter, images, sights and sounds of a movie playing over and over in my brain. When I did manage to fall asleep, my wife would often be awakened to me screaming at the top of my lungs. It sounds like a cliche, but this is true, awakened to blood curdling screams. I would bolt upright, screaming, sweating, hyperventilating, and very confused and extremely scared because I wouldn't know where the hell I was, or what had just happened. That was it for the rest of the night as I would have to stay awake for the rest of the night and stay busy in order to not fall asleep, as if that was going to happen, but I would end up sitting up in a chair in the livingroom, and crying uncontrollably. Other times, when I did manage to fall asleep, I would end up disturbing her sleep by twitching, shaking, or as she says, flip flop and rock and rolling. There were times that I would be asleep, dreaming, and breathing at a very rapid rate and twitching. Other times, you did everything you could to wake up and stop the nightmares, as you would be saying to yourself that this is horrific, wake up , stop it, all subconsciously of course, but to no avail.
This is just some of what was going on, and why I had to enter therapy. I will continue next sunday, as I must end it here and quit, as I have said before, I know my limitations, and again this has been very difficult to write about as it is still extremely raw and emotional, as well as draining for me. Maybe you will be able to relate to some of what I have written here, and if you do, then please remember one thing, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
Thanks, Larry