Having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was accompanied by alot of other side effects and symptoms. Major depression, nightmares, flashbacks, night terrors, sleep deprivation, lack of interest and withdrawing from everyone, and more, but we'll keep the "more" for another time. These are just some of my symptoms that made up and contributed to my helplessness. And these symptoms also had other spinoff symptoms as I will refer to them. They all contributed to my life being totally out of control at the best of times, and making my family life totally non existant, and I felt like I was always in a state of "living hell!" If I couldn't control what was going on, and what I was doing, what was happening to me, and what I was experiencing on a daily and nightly basis, well, I still cannot totally understand how my family must've felt, as their lives were in just as much turmoil and kaos as a result of my illness, and it was their lives that were also turned upside down. I would even go so far as to say that we had no life, in that they had lost me, a husband to my wife, and a father to my girls, and I lost them, as they wanted little to do with me because of the way I was acting, and the way my PTSD symptoms changed me so profoundly. And I don't blame them for feeling that way, as we were in a "living hell!".
There were so many times that I wanted to leave, as I felt so guilty for ruining their lives, and they didn't deserve to go through this, as the patient(me) is obviously not the only one affected, but the whole family. I wasn't the only one that had to keep what I was going through a secret from anyone I came in contact with, be it work, relatives etc. my family also had to hide what was going on with me, and them, because they too didn't want any of their friends to know just how miserable it was in our house. From the outside it looked like we were a normal family, but on the inside, well not so normal to say the least. My family didn't want to invite any of their friends, family to our house because of the "fear and embarressment" they all felt. Who would want to bring anyone over and risk me having an "episode" or acting and saying something that would embarress them.
The point I am trying to make, albeit it in a broad roundabout way, and by telling you a bit about how my family was affected, is that sometimes, things happened that came out of nowhere, sending you into a state of panic, scaring the hell out of you, and all your family see's is the effects it has on you, such as running out of the house, in tears, jumping in the truck, and leaving without telling them what had just happened, because they wouldn't understand,(this was pre-therapy) and driving to get away from everyone, and of course with the cell phone off so nobody could reach me as I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to get away. Sound familiar to any of you??? Maybe I'm the only one who has done things or felt like this?? You tell me. I had many episodes like this, what I called "getting slammed". Out of nowhere, I would be hit with a vision, memory, reliving a "messy" fire call , a call that was so vivid and in living color, so real you'd swear you were actually there again, and thinking and feeling like you were so out of control, and were going "nuts"! When these particular types of events(flashbacks) happened, there was no way to stop them, and you would replay it over and over no matter what you might try to do to avoid or stop them. And they would always end the same way, in a horrifically messy ending with loss of life or lives in my case, a vivid image burned into my memory, never to be forgotten, as I relived fire calls that were like that, and which I had kept to myself and never told anyone that it was bothering me, or I was having problems dealing with it, because as I have said, you just didn't talk about that stuff because that would mean you weren't "tough" and it showed you had a weakness, and others would question your abilities and capabilities on the job. Stigmatisms at its finest, right!?
This was just a small glimpse into some of what we went through and experienced together as a family, and how a mental illness affects more than just the patient.
I will end it here, as this was hard to divulge, very personal, and exhausting for me, and as I said before, I know my limitations now and when it's time to take a break.
Till next sunday, and I welcome your comments, Larry
Sunday, September 14, 2008
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32 comments:
Thanks for sharing this part of your life. I understand how difficult it must be. I can certainly relate as I struggle just to share with one mutual friend.
A weekend that I had such difficulties keeping control of myself with my family. This could not have come at a better time. I only wanted to crawl in a corner and tell everyone to go to___________.
A way to cope is always so difficult specially when avoiding just isn't working so well for you anymore.
Thanks larry
So very true, avoiding eventually doesn't work, you try everything, anything, and you might be able to make it go away for awhile, but it keeps building, and with me anyways what did work, stopped, so I had to try and figure out another way to avoid, but in the meantime, I would be getting "slammed" as I say, more and more, and I would be out of control and a mess, going a million miles an hour inside, and running around here, there and everywhere to try and distract myself and stop the memories.And my family saw this going on, which obviously didn't feel too good for them. As you say avoiding isn't working so well anymore, please keep talking to me, and use me as a sounding board,if you want to or feel comfortable doing so, as I can relate, if it would help you at all.You're not alone, remember that, I'm always here, and would be honored to try to help you by listening and talking back and forth as much as you want.That's the idea behind this writing I'm doing, and you replying with how you are doing or what you are going through. Sometimes knowing that you are not the only one going through your problems, feelings,and someone else is or has gone through similar events/situations etc. may help you?? Would it help you?? No pressure though. HOPE this helps you in some small way to reassure you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Larry
Yes it would help, but I would never know where to start. I have unfortunately never talked to anyone, which makes it so difficult to talk about how I feel.
In my job I was always told its evidence, it was ignored, it is part of a case. So needless to say the only place it hangs around is vividly in my memories, nightmares and places when I should be at peace.
Right now, I am feeling very low. I slept 1 hour last night and during that hour I saw the most vivid awful replay. Like I was in the same field as this horrible thing took place. Whenever I think of it, it makes me feel sick.
I have not cancelled our mutual friend and I am not going to.
I feel I am only feeling worse right now and I am very afraid of where I will be if I don't see her.
I have also tried all the things I do to avoid my memories and nightmares and your right none of them are working. I am really angry about that.
I don't know if you saw my message about me working nights till thursday, BUT I am going to try to access the site from work inbetween fire calls and respond, if not I will as soon as I get home.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR TALKING TO ME AND TRUSTING ME!!You are being so BRAVE and again YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!You say you don't know where to start, and I say start wherever you want, say whatever you want, there's no rules here as in it's whatever you want to say and if it helps talking about whatever you bring up, that's what we'll talk about, ok, so don't worry pls. I AM ALSO SO VERY VERY PROUD OF YOU FOR TELLING ME YOU HAVEN'T CANCELLED YOUR APPT!! You are BRAVE and YOU CAN DO IT!!I want to help you get there so so badly as I know deep in my heart that it will be your first step, and taking those first steps are always the hardest, but will be worth it.I too had/have difficulty with "feelings" as I have written about because I wasn't suppose to have them as being numb and denying, and avoiding meant that I didn't have to deal with feelings, nor did I even know what "feelings" were anymore. I was so scared of feeling anything, because if I felt anything, then I would start crying uncontrollably because it hurt so much, as the "feelings" brought me back to what I had gone through, and the circle started all over again by me trying to shut everything down and hoping it would go away.So, don't be afraid to say whatever you want, and we can chat and I'm here for you always. Larry
It still really bothers me that I am not strong enough to get past this on my own. I have always been able to do it before.
I am also very good at keeping myself busy. Then I don't have to think at all. When the thoughts try and come out I busy myself more.
Ya know Larry, I can't tell you enough how much you have helped me. I am glad our mutual friend gave me your link even though I told myself over and over that I did not need anyones help. I was so wrong. Please don't ever be afraid of telling me something straight up front. I need to hear what I am up against rather than it sugar coated.
I did not do so well telling you how I feel right now. It is certainly not that I don't want to, I just don't know where to start or what I am feeling. I want to dump it all out on the table, but I can't. Maybe I am scared.
I will not forget the time I had to see this other Psychologist who did an assessment as to whether this was my problem.
It took me so off guard I was an absolute basket case. It was on a friday and the whole weekend I curled under a blanket and had nothing to do with noone. He wanted to know everything in that hour. I kept having to say I can't talk about that. Bad way to start. I will never do that again. I know he had to do it, but to be honest with you I think I am having so much trouble because of that.
Maybe I am wrong. I don't think I have ever felt this down in my life and if you can believe it in school I was known as the expert at all the good jokes I pulled.
Not even close now.
Just jumping in for a minute.
I can so relate to the avoidance, the fear, guilt etc of battling this disease. I have been in counselling and on meds which is helpful because once we learn to lose the "I care about what others think" to "not caring", we find the courage to move on.
Keep your chin up
Melba
Just got home from working nights. DO NOT THINK YOU ARE NOT STRONG BECAUSE YOU CANTDO THIS ALONE!! This is NOT a sign of weakness at all!!YOU ARE BRAVE!!Never forget that and again I say YOU ARE BEING BRAVE, and by knowing that it's time to get some help that is actually being even braver and is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it to be taken as a defeat!!You will see what I mean very soon.You are doing PERFECT with describing what you feel going thru etc. as I have said. Not knowing where to start, well it's wherever you want to, and then we will move forward with your topic or feelings that you are going thru at that moment. You choose. Remember, baby steps, and everythings open for discussion.I won't sugarcoat anything as I would never try and deceive anyone.Honesty always.You are saying that you want to dump it all out etc. and I felt the same way as I was really ready to finally unload as I was totally saturated, confused angry and in utter kaos.You're at that point by what you are saying, and the next step is a positive one, meeting our friend, as you will see.Being scared to dump it all out, ya I was terrified also because of what I call "those damn feelings", or not knowing HOW to deal with them, as they scared me because I had kept pushing the feelings down, numbing myself so I wouldn't have any feelings, figuring that would help, deny there was a problem, avoid them, till you come to a point of, survivor mode not working anymore, shutting down, and then something clicks and inside of you says, I can't do this anymore, I need help. You're there now by what you say, so now's the time, and I am with you every step of the way, and YOU CAN DO IT!!and it WILL feel great, like a sanctuary, a safe place!! you'll see, once you take that step, you will find it will be easy to unload because in my case it had been a secret for so long, that the floodgates opened and you will be amazed at just how much will come out!! and it WILL FEEL GOOD!!
Thanks melba 11 this is a great point also!! and bang on too.I was so worried what others would think of me that I kept my 'secret' with my small circle of guys at the station who tried to help me and support me anyway they could because I was so scared that if anyone found out, well the stigmatism and 'labelling' of me, just as others go through all too much, would be so catastrophic as opposed to saying, Ya I really need some help now, nothings working. Thanks, Larry
I too saw another psychologist for years, trying to get help, but it was like putting on a bandaid to fix a life threatening injury. I was not able to get appts, it wasn't regular and because of no availability, I would be in crisis, at my home, in front of my wife, and there were many times, when my kids were not present, thank god, that as my wife was leaving for or at work, and me in all out panic mode, that I threatened suicide as I saw no way out, no help, no HOPE. So, after close to 10 years of this, and getting progressively worse, I landed in our mutual friends office, and all of our prayers were answered ,as my wife says.This is why I am so confident in our mutual friends ability to help you.From experience with failure with other psychologist and just making it by, till I saw her religiously every week without fail,and yes it was scary to start there, it is hard work, BUT YOU WILL GET YOUR LIFE BACK AND THE HELP YOU SO DESERVE!! So, remember how BRAVE YOU ARE, you CAN do this, you obviously HAVE MY SUPPORT AND HELP as well as melba11 who has also replied and contributed and helped, and TOGETHER we are all here for each other!! Thanks, Larry, got to go to work nights at the fire station but will look again as soon as I get home in morning.
Not to chatty again and I am sorry. You give so much time to writing and I really appreciate it. I do look and read it thoroughly and get a lot of support from you.
I am just feeling so awful I don't know what to say anymore. Hope you had a quiet night tonight.
Please, You never have to apologize about not being chatty!I am so happy you are feeling the support I am trying to give you, and instill in you, and I will continue to remind you that YOU ARE BRAVE, and YOU CAN DO THIS to get the help you deserve and need! You have to reach deep down inside, and do as I did please, and find the courage and I DEFINITELY know you have this inside of you.We are all cheering you on and are never going to leave your side, continue to support you, and be here for you and support you!! No sugarcoating here okay, you need to take the next step PLEASE,trust me, and see our friend, as I know you can do it!! PLEASE remember, it will be the start of helping yourself to getting your HOPE back, and with that HOPE your life under control!You have a golden opportunity that has been given to you, as did I, so PLEASE take that first step, YOU WILL NEVER REGRET IT!You can do this, and yes it is a scary first step, but once you take that step, you will NEVER look back, but will be moving forward on your own JOURNEY OF HOPE, as did I!! Larry
I did go this afternoon to see our mutual friend. Although I was pretty stressed about it all it went well.
I just wish there was an easier way.
Have a good shift tonight. I relate to what you do as a Firefighter. I spent many years on call and in separate intense situations. It is a massive rush of adrenaline. Not always good I know.
I know now why I don't like to see anyone. It is the horrible feeling that I must deal with after every visit.
Did you feel like that as well? I am not dealing well with this at all. I feel out of control in every part of my emotions, and well being.
This is not were I want to be right now.
Just got home from nights, so YOU DID IT!! I am SO VERY PROUD OF YOU, as is everyone who contributes and reads. We are all here supporting you and will ALWAYS be here for you! As I have said before, YOU ARE SO VERY BRAVE!!I want and will continue to try and help you by hopefully guiding you by answering all your questions,talking about WHATEVER you want to,and reassuring you by being totally HONEST and NO SUGARCOATING which is the only way to do this.Unfortunately, there is no easier way.You HAVE made the first step, remember, baby steps, and you will be supported every step you take! and you will/can take those steps, you have already begun, and have accomplished this yourself! Be PROUD of what you just did. Yes I felt as you describe, as remember you are not avoiding anymore, which wasn't working anymore, and I too was out of control because of the 'emotions and feelings" that I had suppressed for so long, thinking that was how to deal, fix what I was going through. Avoidance does not work.Yes it is hard, but use our friend, she is also there for you, as am I! It will get and feel worse before it will get better! Avoidance wasn't working, remember,but working hard through therapy WILL!! Trust me PLEASE!I know you don't want to be where you are right now, neither did I, because you are starting to open up what you have thus far managed to 'pound down', your "emotions feelings" Right? It will work, never forget that, and you will be able to do this!I'm going to get a bit of sleep, but will check later, OK, Larry
Well Larry I am way beyond exhaustion right now as I find myself only able to sleep a few hours a night.
Too tired to talk or feel anything right now
Have a good night
Yes, I know that feeling also, all too well.I am not a doctor so I am in no way trying to influence ANYONE with what I had to do regarding medication and this is where my psychiatrist who works with our mutual friend helped out.I needed help with a combination of medications, BUT this was only me, and please remember each of us is different, so you must talk to your doctor and out mutual friend, and this is only my opinion and what worked for me.I needed a combination of anti-depressants, PTSD specific, plus nerve/anxiety,plus sleeping pills trauma specific.Dosages had to obviously be monitored, adjusted, till we found the right combination. I needed these to get me 'stabilized' in order to fight my battle. You take care,try to rest, YOU CAN DO THIS!! We're ALL WITH YOU!! Larry
Thanks larry
Good Morning Larry
I have realized one thing.
A person must lower their defenses in order to deal with what we must deal with. It is a protection that we all have and must make the choice to ask a person (our mutual friend) to help us and let them in, in order to help us deal with what we are in danger of. I have great deal of difficulty with that.
I know this will hurt, I know this will break a person down, but I also know that in order to move on with the rest of my life this is what I have to do. This is what I will stuggle with.
Have a good day
WOW!! YOU have just accepted/understand/learned and YOU DID THIS ON YOUR OWN! with regards to "in order to move on...."DO YOU REALIZE HOW BIG A STEP YOU HAVE JUST TAKEN?I AM IN TEARS HERE, TEARS OF OVERWHELMING JOY FOR YOU!!Honestly, and I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU,and am touched by what you have said, because I know from experience, this is how I felt with my first step in 'surrendering' myself and allowing our friend into 'my world' in order for her to HELP me! I keep saying this, and I will continue to, YOU ARE BEING SO SO BRAVE, COURAGOUS!! I am SO VERY PROUD OF YOU AND AM ALWAYS HERE TO SUPPORT YOU AND TALK ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT, EVERYDAY AS ALWAYS. Sorry for all the capitals, as I said, I am just so happy for you, I TRULY AM!! because I KNOW that you too will find HOPE as I did!! Larry
I don't feel I have had any choice but to accept. I have never felt this low, or been this exhausted with everything since this started a very long time ago. Overwhelming in everything that I am doing in life right now I see that is the only way out of this. I am not sure I can hold up through the next bad time even if I can put it back in Pandora's box this time. Today I could not work as I was so exhausted and a few other things happened forcing me to see my doctor.
Do you still see our mutual friend or anyone else or did you get well enough to move on with your life without extra help?
Just wondering as I would like to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
All day today I spent time laying on the couch in and out of sleep. I felt horrible. My husband ask me to go for lunch and I could not even get it together. I feel bad about that.
Sometimes thou, with regards to accepting, others "know" that we have to do this, but until we ourselves say it, realize, and believe it, well the whole world around us can be telling us what we should do, but...You said that word, accept. You have realized it, yourself. I am still so very close to our friend, as she is watching over me constantly, helping me, guiding me, advising me and I WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY! I have to remember, as she reminds me, I am still very "fresh" in terms of recovery, and have to be watched closely for any recurring signs/symptoms, and I totally agree, as because I did go back to firefighting, in my mind anyways, I'm one nasty call away from, well, it's in the back of my mind, always. As for the light, no sugarcoating here, she tolld me, over and over, and it wasn't till many many months later that I began to see a faint glimpse. It is there though, it's just that we can't see it for awhile, but each of us is so different, please remember that.As for lunch with hubby, he might need some 'education' also, with regards to understanding what you are going through, just a suggestion though, as I'm quite sure that he is understanding, so don't feel too bad please, it's draining and takes every ounce of energy I had to work hard and through therapy. Larry
I want to be beside you sharing the feeling of hope. just not there now.
You sound like you have come such a long way. I am glad our mutual friend has helped you with that and I am hoping she can do the same for me.
My husband is a shift worker like yourself, and I find it extremely lonely because when he is gone I have no energy to do anything to keep myself busy.
I should be cleaning house and being a mother and i am just to tired. He has helped a lot this week and I am very grateful.
Do you find it hard talking to me when I am having such a bad time with this? I hope it does not cause more problems for you.
I would never want to do that.
I DO NOT find it hard talking to you at all, I just want to help in anyway I can!!Beside me feeling HOPE, all in good time!Lean on us all to give you strength and HOPE, it is there,and you WILL find it!Dedicate yourself to therapy and our friend in order to get better!You have again inspired me to write sunday, and I HOPE it will help you and others out there!I will check in throughout the day,saturday to chat if you want.Take time for yourself, do what you have to do for YOU at this important time in order to work through and find YOUR light at the end of the tunnel, IT IS THERE TRUST ME PLEASE!and we are all here for you, NEVER FORGET THIS PLEASE!! Larry
Had to write more.You are also HELPING ME! Yes, YOU are allowing me to continue to heal, by giving me this EXTREMELY HUMBLING PRIVILEGE of sharing my experiences as 1 in 5!!Please remember though, I am in no way a substitute for 'professional help', but am giving everyone a perspective from MY journeys only.Please do not allow me in ANYWAY to influence anyone to deviate from what their doctors advise them. I keep saying this because we ARE all individuals, different, BUT are the same in being 1 in 5.I just HOPE that any similarities HELP to encourage, support,and give everyone strength and ideas to help them,inspire them,and knowing they ARE NOT ALONE!!We who are 1 in 5 are ALL HERE helping each other!Larry
Having been an IAFF firefighter for 26 years and going through the "mill" with rejection and finally being rescued by the Vietnam Veterans in my life, I can relate to all of what is posted here. 3 and a half years of intense psychological intervention and some 16 thousand dollars of my own funds have given me some insights into ptsd in the fire service. I am in my disability and my story to the public as yet has not been told. There is much to learn and education is the key. I am well enough to be and to say that I work with the ptsd because some people did care about me and loved me. I am able to return that love and live a healthier life after my firefighter service. On the internet the web site: firefighterveteran.com
is there for you as an Emergency Services First Responder. The education is there...look at all of the web site. It has the information and connection that is needed. As of August 18th the National Volunteer Fire Fighters Council in the United States has N.A.F.F.V.N. posted on the health and wellness Everyone Goes Home Life Initiative section 13. We are making a difference on firefighterveteran at a time. Get connected and stay connected. Get proper help from a liscensed trained psychological professional that you can work with and that can work with you.
Shannon H. Pennington ptsd firefighterveteran
Senior Chief (Administrative)
North American Fire Fighter Veterans Network
F.I.R.S.T. S.T.E.P. H.O.P.E.
care for the caregivers
Ex IAFF 255 out of Calgary Alberta Canada
on the web; firefighterveteran.com
WOW! I will check this out. Please join in our discussions.Have you read any of my story, and does it sound familiar at all with regards to what you have been through in your "journey"? Larry
To ptsdfirefighterveteran, How did you find this site ?? Very curious, Larry
Have you ever woke up after a nightmare and not been able to place whether your still on the bad scene or actually in your bed in a safe place?
OH YA!! Just about every night, at its worse, and sometimes more than once a night. I'll touch on this for you as I'm writing right now as we speak for todays installment, okay, just for you to let you know,YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! So you know, I'm working days this week in the fire station, so I have no access till I get home at night, but as I said before, I WILL be on a.s.a.p. when I get here to chat with you, even if you don't feel chatty, that's okay, but if you would/can/or consider this please, let me know how your day was? Thx Larry
It is not a good day or weekend for me. I am trying to hide it from my family so they don't know I am crying.
This is horrible
all of what is describe here can be found at the web site for the national center for p.t.s.d ncptsd. They list all of the signs and symptoms of ptsd inclusive of re occuance and flash backs, nightmares, reclusiveness etc. Get the information your out there but not alone...firefightervetran.com
take care all of you
S. Pennington ptsd firefighterveteran
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