FirefightersStory-Why Am I Doing This?

I feel compelled to write this short message, and my goal here is to elaborate on a few points due to circumstances that have taken place quietly behind the scenes shall we say.I have been working very hard quietly on this forum by trying to shed light for others with regards to showing,and reinforcing the message that there is HOPE in others future who might be suffering as I did with mental illness.. I do this by writing my story and trying to shed some light on what I went through so that others will see that they are 'normal' in experiencing their feelings through their turbulent times they are facing. These messages of HOPE, are meant to inspire, and comfort others. With regards to what I am also trying to accomplish, I am also very committed in my resolve, and my intention has always been, and will never waiver in my quest to help my fellow firefighters, which has, and continues to be a very daunting task, due to many complicated reasons and issues I am faced with. I MUST say a few things, to try and reiterate and explain why I am so strongly committed to writing, and answering peoples comments,which is my contribution to hopefully helping others. As I said, it is a very complicated and "restrictive" situation that I am faced with, but that does not mean that my resolve to help others is in ANYWAY doubtful in my mind. I BELIEVE in what I am trying to do for others, and am truly grateful for the opportunity I have been given, not only by being alive after my ongoing struggles, but also by being accepted and by being priviledged to have access to this truly wonderful site.
I have been doing alot of soul searching, so to speak. I now know that I am faced with a monumental task in order to try and erase not only the many stigmas, but also the denials by some that we need a proper program in place that is run by qualified professionals, with care that is all encompassing such as was afforded to me. The "denial" I am speaking about and relating to MUST NEVER be confused with the denial by those that are trying to come to grips with their problems, as that is a completely separate situation altogether and again MUST NOT AND NEVER BE confused with the following statements, or observations that follow.
Those that should and must know better, whom we rely on to put those of us who suffer, or who have suffered, FIRST, need to be educated in as timely a manner as possible to be open to proper care and programs as they are suppose to be the people who look out for us, whom we rely on for our "protection" and help in our time of need. To deny, or to not provide a "voice" for us, is beyond comprehension, and in fact makes me quite disillusioned to say the least.
Some who read this might understand what I am saying, but I would also like to relate another personal story with reference to a hero of mine, General Romeo Dallaire, which follows.

Where am I going with this? First, a brief recollection. Not too long after I entered therapy, going through hell, I decided I wanted to try and read about a geuine hero, who suffered from something that I had, PTSD. I looked to this man, and up to this man.I knew nobody else who had this, and I was searching for some understanding, and some answers. I needed to know everything. What he went through, how he got it, to see if his story and its effects on him would relate in anyway to what I was going through. I felt so alone, as well as numerous other terrible fears and emotions as I have touched on before.
I was looking for answers to my fears, and answers to what lay ahead for me. I was also looking for a conclusion, to see how I would turn out. I looked to this man for HOPE! We know he suffered from PTSD, but also, there was so much more.

To me, and many others, General Dallaire was a pioneer, a soldiers soldier. He did get help for his illness, PTSD. He believed in his soldiers. He protected his soldiers.His soldiers came FIRST! He helped his soldiers by putting them before the disbelievers, the uneducated with regards to mental illness, and the proper care and help they deserved. He led by example, in that he was not afraid to acknowledge that, yes, he had PTSD. He started something that helped his men and women. There might have been those that were denying there was a problem, specifically, acknowledgement of those with PTSD, but he also strongly believed in the need for getting help for his men and women, and battling on to adopt a proper program for the needs of his soldiers. They were his concern, not the disbelievers who would look the other way, or forget where they came from. He never gave up, no matter what the consequences!

Nor will I.

My psychologist and I talk constantly, still.(always will too!) She reminded and relayed to me the unfortunate episode with regards to the General, a possible parallel. I have a PARK BENCH waiting for me with my name on it, as General Dallaire did. Many will understand what I am saying, and for those that do not, you will have to wait, as will I, to explain.

I told her that yes, I also have "my bench" with my name on it, and that I understood this. I hope to avoid it, BUT, that I knew she would find me, or I would call her as I was sitting, and would wait for her, and we would talk quietly. I look forward to that chat, and we can start the fight again.

I can sum this all up by saying that, "When you hear the call, you can't ignore it, no matter what the cost."

I will conclude with that message, and will try to write for others again today, but forgive me please if I do not write more today,as I have said before, I know my limitations, and I might be done for today.

Thanks, Larry