I'm feeling very inspirational and am going to deviate slightly from continnuing where I left off, and am going to try my best to hopefully inspire you too with what I have to say !! There are many reasons that I am writing my story publically, and this is another very big reason. HOPE !! That's the message I want to get out and spread. The word "HOPE"!!
We all need HOPE in our lives, but I can tell you from experience with being 1 in 5 that I had ABSOLUTELY NO HOPE whatsoever in my life until it was finally acknowledged by my doctor(s) that I had serious mental health issues as a result of my job as a firefighter,(finally someone believed me) AND that I was finally going to receive the proper care. This care included my primary psychologist,(she is the greatest and no amount of praise I can give her will ever be enoough!), psychiatrist, as well as family counselling and individual counselling for my eldest daughter.
At the darkest times leading up to the start of my therapy, as I said, I could not see or "feel" any HOPE in my life at all. The lack of any HOPE was probably the biggest contributing factor relating to a very deep depression that I had fallen into. Depression was just one of my symptoms that I was suffering from though.
It wasn't that I had to be taught that there was HOPE for me, but I had to be shown through various examples, and a great many times it was through repetition that she confirmed and reassured me that this word and feeling of HOPE that she spoke of was indeed out there, and within my grasp through working with her in therapy! Therapy was the toughest battle of my life, in order to regain my life!! I dove right into therapy though, as should everyone, as it's what's at the end of the battle that's all worth it. We regain our lives that were totally lost.
We each have our own symptoms, as we are each obviously very different individuals, patients, but we are all linked by the common bond of being 1 in 5. I use the word "bond" very proudly now as a matter of a fact, as having this common bond hopefully will allow you to trust me in what I say and write. I have told my doctor many times that, "Unless you've walked a mile in my shoes, people have no idea about what I am going through, or have gone through!" It is for this reason that I say that this special bond we have as 1 in 5 is truly an issue of "trusting" each other. It is for this reason also that you have to trust your own doctors or team of doctors such as I had, and as you might also have. This is why I am HOPING you will allow me to encourage you in what I have to say here on this forum.
Knowing and having someone to talk to, relate to, believe in, confide in and also to trust another who has "been there, seen it, done it" was, and still is very important to me personally. My doctor and myself have a very close working relationship that was and is built on trust. She has the experience that I needed, and thus I trusted her implicitly when I began therapy. She was the only one that was able to keep me going and give me my "HOPE". In the beginning, I had this feeling that I was totally alone in my battle, that I was the only person that had problems such as myself. It sounds unreasonable to think that way now, but at the time, as I said, I was so alone and scared , that in my mind, (my neighbourhood) there was no other person in the whole world that would understand, empathize, relate to me, or be able to understand me and what I was facing and experiencing. In my mind it wasn't possible for another human being to be going through what I was going through. Remember, as I said before, I wasn't "normal" anymore, so nobody would be able to understand or deal with me and what I was going through. Not so in reality, but remember, at that time, that's how I felt. Maybe you do too? Think about it for a minute please. Does it sound familiar, or something you might have thought about to yourself?? Maybe it has crossed your mind, as it did mine, over and over.
If you do happen to feel that way, I really know what you're going through, and I am hoping as I said, you might be able to trust me also, as someone who's "been there, seen it, done it!" I HOPE you will be also be able to somehow relate to me in some small way, believe and be encouraged by what I say so that you will believe in yourself, your therapy, and go forward and work hard in therapy and succeed and regain your life as I and others have prior to yourself.
So, in conclusion for now, remember and never forget that there is HOPE for us all. Have faith in yourself, therapy, therapists, and please trust me when I say to you as 1 in 5 not to delay your own therapy, as scared as you might be, you're only delaying your recovery and regaining your life back, and with the life you get back, you will also get back an abundance of HOPE, which is what your life will also be filled with!
Thanks, till next week, Larry
Sunday, August 31, 2008
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17 comments:
It is such a scary process and you do feel very much alone. Like noone understands what you are going through and your fear and sadness overcomes you.
It is like you can never rest.
Thanks for taking the time to write this for me. It gives me encouragement that there is HOPE and HAPPINESS in my future.
To anonymous- I know how alone you must feel, as I felt the same. I'm so happy you wrote me and I will do anything for you to help and encourage you.You took a step by writing to me, and for that you are very brave. There is HOPE, and I realize from experience just how lonely, scary, etc. it can be for us who are 1 in 5.
I put my what little life I had at the start of therapy in my psychologists hands( and we know who that might be)and although therapy was/is the hardest battle and fight of your life, you GET a new life, beginning, start. Yes it's scary because it's all unknown territory, as in "What do I know about any therapy and what/why is she asking me to do this?" BUT there is HOPE for you and IN therapy is where you will find it. Little by little you will find small bits of HOPE and all the little bits will turn into a large feeling of HOPE! I really want you to feel HOPE as I have found! Please please consider what your therapist has suggested and wants you to do in therapy, as it WILL make a difference. Please continue to write me and I will respond to whatever questions/concerns etc. you might have and I WILL ALWAYS be here for you to give you encouragement and my little piece of HOPE for you. Larry
I would also like to encourage you to embrace your therapy, work hard in therapy and don't delay. I remember my therapist saying and I'll paraphrase here, "Everyday you put it off (therapy and exposure therapy, as I did)is another day you are away from getting your life back" or as I like to say HOPE and a New Life! Pls let me know how you are doing and again, anyway I can helpby answering any questions you have from someone who's been there, I'm more than happy to respond as this is the purpose of doing this, HELPING and giving HOPE where I can. Thx Larry
It takes so much to trust in who we both know. Just stepping in the front door is tough. I have never shared any of this.
I thought this would be a walk in the park. I was going to make a phone call, talk to someone about everything and i would be rid of all my problems. The only problem was the only thing I got rid of was a few tears.
Now I can't believe how my choice to deal with this has turned my life around.
You spoke of Exposure Therapy. That is a pretty scary word to me. What is that???
I feel very overwhelmed now with everything and find I can't keep myself busy enough to ignore everything. I wonder if I start this process is everything going to get worse?
Right now I don't think I can handle anymore. It sounds like a lot of work to do this and to be quit frank I am exhausted with it all.
I can't thank you enough Larry for writing back. When you say 1 in 5 have PTSD. I wonder if that total is higher as I am sure there are more of me who are to ashamed to speak up.
Take care
Hi Larry
I wondered how long before you started to feel better and how long you have been seeing a Psychologist? I guess I am like everyone else, I wish there was a quick fix. Something that did not tear my insides out while I was trying to get rid of it.
I have not met with our mutual friend, but have learned so much from her by just talking on the internet.
I know it is stupid of me to think this, but I honestly felt that I was one of few suffering with this.
Alone, and ashamed would explain it well and I still feel alone and ashamed. I just feel now like a little window has opened up by having our mutual friend that I have agreed to meet on the 17th and of course your support.
Was it this hard for you to meet on your first appt. You know what's really weird. I use to love being around people and enjoy there company. Now I just pull away. It certainly is scary watching your personality change even though you know that is not you.
Thanks again
YOU ARE SO BRAVE AND I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU!!You have taken the first step with meeting our mutual friend on the 17th. This is the beginning or your journey, such as I had, with regaining and starting your NEW LIFE!!You will find out that you have HOPE within your grasp, though as I felt at the time, there was no hope in my life. Trust me, HOPE is there for your taking.Therapy is the hardest battle of my life, you have to realize this, BUT you will have a NEW life filled with HOPE as you proceed through therapy. Never forget this!!You speak of trust, or lack of. I too did not trust anyone as the stigma, shame etc. of having a mental illness was scary and I could not trust anyone with my "secret".I trust our mutual friend implicitly with my life. Hopefully you can also trust me when I say this to you.My first meeting was also very scary, as it's the great unknown, not knowing how or what was going to happen to me, and who this psychologist was. Rest assured though, our friend really knows how to help you, and educates you which makes such a big difference as that was the difference between previous efforts to get help that did not work. Education is huge, and she will do that for you.I too withdrew from everyone, including my own family as I thought that everyone would know I was sick with mental issues and I was ashamed, and wasn't worthy of being around anyone because I was sick, different, not normal, ashamed etc.You speak of being the only one afflicted, and I too felt the same way, but as I learned, and now you know me, that there are lots of others who are 1 in 5. It just seems you are alone because people will not openly say they are afflicted with a mental issue/disease because of all the stigma's that are associated with this disease, and peoples ignorance regarding knowing the truths and facts.Therapy is not a walk in the park, and it was the hardest battle I have ever had, totally exhausting, and it left me with little energy to do anything else. You must listen to your body and take extra care for yourself. Therapy obviously uses your brain, and we don't realize just how exhausting using our brains can be while in therapy and working hard.I too was overwhelmed, so much so that it was all I could do to just get out of bed and do the most menial tasks around my home that we all take for granted. Do not despair though, as you will be using all your energy to get better and see the light at the end of the tunnel while in therapy. You might not see the light, nor did I, but trust me, eventually you will begin to catch a glimpse, and it will get bigger and brighter. Choosing to start therapy, is the first step to changing your life around, as you have said. Again, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU AND HOW BRAVE YOU ARE!!You will not regret your decision, and our friend will walk you through, step by step, reassure you, help you, build your confidence in yourself so you WILL know that you can do it.I went through "exposure therapy" which is very difficult, exhausting, but it works. Simple explanation is that you re-live the traumas you have experienced. I had flashbacks, nightmares, and was terrified to fall asleep because I didn't want to experience the horrific traumas I had gone through. Our friend will explain that until the brain processes the information, it keeps sending out the signals which in turn gives us the flashbacks nightmares etc. So, dealing with what has happened to you satisfies and calms the brain allowing you to proceed with gaining control of your "feelings" and starting your new life filled with HOPE!! This is obviously a simplified explanation, but I'm sure you understand. Hope this helps you, and again, dive right into therapy, it's worth it, as you get your life back. Again, YOU ARE SO BRAVE and I look forward to your next message, and please remember, ask me anything, I'm here for you, to support you all the way through therapy and beyond. You can do it, I know you can. And our friend will take very good care of you, as she is the best. Larry
How long till I started too feel better is a difficult question to answer obviously because we're all individuals with different problems and numbers of issues to "process" as you will learn. That being said though, I knew after my first visit with her that I was in the right place, as opposed to previous attempts to get help with a different psychologist. Something inside of me told me, a feeling or gut instinct. Just the way she talked to me with regards to the education process and I knew this therapist and therapy was the right one for me and I could learn so much which would help me understand what was happening/happened to me and why, and how she was going to teach me so I could apply that knowledge to work my way through therapy. As for my initial contact with my original psychologist whom I kept till shortly before I was rediagnosed by an independent third party, the office our mutual friend is in,I saw the original psychologist in approx 1992 after another fire in which the roof collapsed and I was buried under debris and suffered what's called spinal chord trauma in which I lost the use and feeling in both legs and one arm, then the muscles atrophied from no movement so they put me in a pool they use for burn patients and the physiotherapists had to move my limbs for me. After approx 4 months things started tocome back, and after alot of work, I returned to firefighting. A quick fix isn't going to happen, and you know that. I went for my therapy appt once a week, and never missed one because I could hardly wait to see her and get things off my chest, learn more, make progress, albeit little baby steps, and it was a place where I felt safe, comfortable, and she was like my little "safety blanket", at that time the only person in the world who understood what I was going through. Therapy is a huge amount of work, but you get out of it what you put into it. Dive into it, please, work hard, trust her, she will guide you and support you all the way through to a successful conclusion and the beginning of your new life filled with HOPE. Of course, I am always here to support you also, to cheer you on, and you know that you are not alone, you have me cheering you on and encouraging you every step of the way. You are brave in taking your first step towards happiness, and I know you can do it, never forget that. Write as often as you want, keep me updated but only if you want to, and ask me anything as I've been there. Larry
Good Evening Larry. This has been such a difficult day and night for me and I thank you for taking so much time to write this. I reread it and reread it just for support in knowing what is happening to me is quit normal.
Although terribly anxious about next week I am going to try and not cancel again. I had to see my family physician today and the one thing I find when I have to talk about anything relating to it is that I am so distraught when I leave.
I also have nightmares. I try and limit my sleep by staying up late so I may not have one. It doesn't work.
I just wish it was an easy fix. I want to get on the road and drive as far away as I can to escape it.
You mention always that it is a mental illness. I am not ready to admit that I have a mental illness. In fact, I am still having problems accepting that I have been told I have a severe case of it. I am angry. Did you feel like that?
Did you ever take medication??? I feel it actually inhibits how you feel and you don't get better as quick.
Thanks so much again. IT IS SO TOUGH RIGHT NOW.
I'm so glad that you are using what I said to you as a tool to help you, and support you. Continue to read read read. When you go to therapy on the 17th, and you can do it, please believe me and take that first step, she will give you more valuable tools that will help you immensely andyou can begin your personal "journey" as I did, to recovery and finding the HOPE that I speak of. That's the whole point of me trying to write on this site, to help others and give them HOPE, letting people know that they are not alone, and what they are going through is "normal" in that we who are the 1 in 5 have alot in common with what we go through and many of our "feelings" are similar. I hope that what I have said is helping you. I too know all too well about having bad days, rough times, and when I was going through my treatment my whole life at that time was literally minute by minute, and it was like a rollercoaster. Having my psychologist holding my hand though made it possible for me to continue my "journey" to HOPE and success. I too had many extremely vivid "real" nightmares, living the horrors of what happened to me, and I too ran on 1 hr of sleep because I was scared to fall asleep and have the flashbacks and nightmares return as I just knew they would happen as soon as I did fall asleep. This is where the psychiatrist who was part of the "team" who was caring for me prescribed PTSD specific anti-depressants for nightime that worked to calm the part of the brain that was giving or allowing the nightmares etc. to return sofrequently and vividly, reliving the horrors in living color as if I was back in the fires I have spoke about. This is where exposure therapy comes into play though, and she will explain it to you when you see her. AQs I have said in my last reply to you,my brain hadn't processed the information fully, so that's why I was having the flashbacks/nightmares, as until it was fully processed the events would continue to come up. My brain had "blocked or shut down" the processing phase, sort of self preservation/protection in order to continue to survive and function. Problem was though, it got so bad that I couldn't function anymore. As I said, exposure work is very hard, and you sort of go to yourself, reliving the traumas over and over in order to get better doesn't make sense. Why would I want to do that, it's painful, and I don't want that, I want it to go away, or avoid it somehow. Trust me though, it works, and I'm living proof, as are others, and that's where your psychologist comes into the picture, to help guide you through this whole process. As for acceptance of my diagnosis of acute recurring PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation,well I had many thoughts and emotions and questions. Yes, I was VERY VERY ANGRY, and this was another huge problem in that because of my anger, I came so close to losing my wife and kids.I took my family on my "journey to hell and back" and this was another part of my illness that out whole family had to be helped with.Everyone had to be and was educated in order to understand what was and had happened to me and the changes we were all going through. Nobody understood what was happening, why it was, and this is where the education that is taught in therapy was/is essential. Without the education, you will go nowhere. You learn, and then you apply, in order to slowly heal and fix the whole family, because we all were affected in different ways. Yes I nwas extremely angry, and also so terribly guilty that I was sick and that my family was paying the ultimate price, misery. Yes I was angry and couldn't understand "Why me?" My whole family had to be taught that my sickness/illness wasn't my fault. This point was HUGE!! It wasn't my fault. I became sick because of my job, and I wasn't acting like I was towards them because I wanted to, or was a terrible person and set out to ruin my wife and kids lives, but it was because I was sick. Once they were educated, as was I, then with this understanding it allowed us all to begin to "heal" and work towards becoming a family again, as opposed to being a "dysfunctional broken angry family". I was alsoextremely angry with my thinking of, what did I do to deserve this? I help so many people in my line of work as a firefighter, I'm a good guy, and now I've turned into this monster. What's up with that, why?? As for your thoughts on the meds inhibiting, prolonging etc. it's quite the contrary I believe, but this is my opinion. Let me explain please. The psychiatrist that works in conjunction with our mutual friend, had to stabilize me with meds, and we had to build them up, tweak them to get the proper result etc. and this took a bit of time as it doesn't happen overnight. Because of his experience with PTSD he was more in tune with what would be best for my situation/symptoms etc. There's no point in trying to work hard in therapy, concentrate etc. when you are so tired, suffering from flashbacks/nightmares, not eating etc. In order for your body and brain to take on the therapy, fixing my family life, well I had to get other things under control first in order for me to take my own "baby steps" along my journey to recovery and a life with HOPE. Hope this helps, be strong, safe, and reply with any and all questions/concerns and remember that I am here to support you and help in anyway that I can, as I know you can do this, you're being very brave as I said, and you will make it on the 17th, I know you can do this, and I'm here supporting you all the way and time. Larry
Thanks Larry for all the information. I am not to chatty tonight as I am really having a hard time with this right now.
I understand, PLEASE REMEMBER THOUGH YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! and I REALLY KNOW what you are feeling, and going through. I am here for you always, to help and encourage you in anyway that I can and I will continue to remind you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! and you are VERY BRAVE! Larry
I just wanted you to know that everything you write is being heard and I truly believe you understand where i am in this. I read what you went through and it is like reading a book about myself.
I do however feel so alone. I feel like a person on the outside and inside I am in absolute turmoil. I am so overwhelmed right now that I do not know what to do with myself. I wake in the night in shakes and feel sick. It is like I was back in the same place.
I just hope I am able to work with our mutual friend. Right now I just want it all gone.
So glad you wrote tonight, as I was worried about you last night, I really was, as you said you were having what I call "A difficult day". As I said, I REALLY HONESTLY DO know what you are feeling and going through when you say you are having a hard time with this right now. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS BATTLE !!This is why our friend is so important for you, as she will provide so much help and reassurance etc. in order to help you. You MUST reach deep down inside yourself and be strong, courageous, brave, and take that first step towards getting help and regaining control of what I know is "your world" that seems so out of control. You can do it, I know you can!I know you want it all to go away, as did I, and we try to avoid in the hopes that somehow it will disappear, but we both know that it keeps coming back. Be strong!
I feel like every day is so difficult right now. I am at a point where I don't want to see or talk to anyone in person. I just want to hide. I want to quit my jobs and run away. I understand avoiding my thoughts is not good, but up to now that is the way I have protected myself.
I just can't understand why after all these years of having this it has come out now. Before this all started I was ok. A few things would happen, but I was managing 100x better.
One part of me does not mind seeing our mutual friend, but another part of me knows what is ahead of me and knows what I have to face and that is way to scary right now.
Thanks Larry for caring. I am happy I have someone who understands. It is hard not having anyone to talk to.
I AM ALWAYS HERE TO TALK TO YOU AND SUPPORT YOU!! I completely understand and respect your decision regarding our mutual friend. You will get there when you are ready and that's okay!!In the meantime though I HOPE you will continue to write, as often as you wish and as I said, I'm here, I understand, and you are NOT ALONE, as I am always by your side supporting you by writing you in order to try and help you.I do care about you, I do understand what you are going through, and I am here for you.YOU CAN DO IT! TRUST ME YOU CAN DO IT!! DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE !!! I'm going to get you through this with my small contribution of writing and being here for you always!! I'm going to write my regular sunday contribution and again you have inspired me to talk about many things /questions you have asked, so I HOPE you will read it and I HOPE it helps. Here's an idea that might help you, as this is what I did. Everytime I had a tough time during the day/night I wrote it out, like a journal/diary ??Let me know if this might help you. Remember, always, YOU ARE BRAVE YOU HAVE HOPE AND YOU HAVE ME SO YOU ARE NOT AND WILL NEVER BE ALONE !!! Talk to you soon, Larry
Thanks Larry for your kind words. I will keep reading. Just a bad time not to chatty.
I wanted you to know that I'm working nights till thursday so I will try to access site from fire station but if I don't reply I will look for any words you send, even if ou're not chatty, pls let me know because as I said, use me to blow off steam, frustration etc. if you want as I said I'm with you, here for you! Larry
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