Rachel's Story - Friendships

It is sad but many of my friendships have suffered as a result of my illness. I was asked this week what I have lost due to my illness and friendships would be at the top of my list. Because my natural instinct is to isolate myself when I’m feeling down, this breaks up my connections with other people. Some friends understand this and those are my best friends (the friendships I’ve managed to maintain). I truly appreciate them. But because when I’m down I find it excruciatingly hard to reach out to others, it’s difficult to make links. Over the years I think I have lost many opportunities this way.

Recently though, I have made some new friends through the course of my treatment at the hospital. They are others, who, like me, are struggling with a similar illness. I value these friends because they truly understand what I’m going through and they give me HOPE to continue my battle. We are able to share stories and symptoms in a way that others cannot understand. I am so thankful to these friends (you all know who you are) and urge more people to come forward here on the blog and share – it really helps!

Rachel's Story - Dark feelings

It’s amazing how difficult it is to talk about some of the feelings I have. The darker the feelings, the harder it seems to talk about them. This is why, for years, I didn’t tell anyone about the way I felt; I desperately hid everything. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was picking up the phone the first time I ever called a psychiatrist and admitted I needed help. I felt so embarrassed and alone. It turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done because it got me some much needed help and, ultimately, saved my life.

Even recently, though, I have struggled when it comes to opening up about the dark feelings inside of me. I have felt ashamed and embarrassed. This is why I sometimes have harmed myself rather than asked for help. But do you know what? When I have asked for help, I have NEVER regretted it. And it has frequently served to remind me that I’m not alone.

Rachel's Story - Patience

Over the past couple of weeks I have caught my mood slipping a little bit. I am beginning to wonder if this is at all seasonal (as this is exactly what happened last year at this time: it started in September, snowballed in October, and I ended up in hospital in November). I think it’s a really positive sign that I caught my mood slipping. I was able to recognize the signs this year really early and tell my doctor. Therefore, he raised my medication and I thought all would be well! But things are never quite that simple; I have developed an allergic reaction to the medication when at a higher dose. And this will doubtlessly mean more trial and error to find another medication to take its place.

That’s one major difference between being hospitalized and not: when I was an inpatient my doctor put me on and off different meds very quickly because I was in the safe environment of the hospital, under the constant supervision of the nursing staff. As an outpatient, the process is much slower, taking weeks at a time to test one single medication. I keep telling myself to be patient and that we’ll eventually find the right combination of meds, but sometimes it’s hard to believe. Those are the times when I feel especially lucky to have some amazing, HOPEFUL people in my life (because they keep believing in me and for me)! Many of those people spent hours visiting me at the Royal when I was an inpatient, encouraging me with compassion, understanding and hope through my roughest times and I am very grateful.

You Know Who I Am links

Our FaceBook YKWIAM Page is located at http://www.facebook.com/pages/You-Know-Who-I-Am/78035047062

Our FaceBook group can be found at:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=127722665370&ref=ts

Rachel's Story - Relief vs. Fear

I felt mixed about my admission. Part of me was relieved that someone was stepping in. That my collection of prescription drugs and razors and anything else that could cause me any harm was being taken away from me. That from now on the focus would be on rest and rehabilitation. Another part of me, though, was scared. Even though I had been hospitalized before, it was in Toronto, never here. I didn’t know what to expect. What would the staff be like? What would the other patients be like? Would the food be good? I was also keenly aware of the stigma associated with yet another stay at a “psych ward”. What did that say about me? Am I crazy?

As it turned out, I had a room to myself and I bonded with my primary nurse almost immediately. I really felt that she was on my side and willing to do whatever she could to help me. During the first few weeks of my hospitalization I kept pretty much to myself, staying in my room, sleeping. I was heavily medicated (this made me really tired and also makes it quite difficult for me to recall this period too specifically). I remember being somewhat impressed by the quality of the food, though! I was encouraged by my nurse to spend some time out of my room so I would watch some TV in the common area, but mainly I was too tired to focus. I slowly began to make friends with other patients and we would compare symptoms, meds and side effects. It was comforting to speak with other people who were going through similar struggles.

To be continued...

Rachel's Story - Emergency Last Fall

As September approaches I find myself looking back to last year at this time and I am very thankful to be where I am now. This year I am very fortunate to have a whole new set of skills as a result of the various groups I have participated in at the Royal Ottawa. I am better able to recognize my mood symptoms and catch myself before I fall into a deep depression or rise into mania. Admittedly, I was apprehensive about joining the groups because I am quite shy but I quickly got over that when I discovered that everyone there was like me, seeking to learn more about their illness. If you have the chance to participate in any of these groups, I highly recommend that you do. Now I’d like to share my story.

Last year at this time I couldn’t see myself falling. I was slowly losing interest in my friends and my formerly pursued activities. Getting out of bed everyday became a bigger and bigger challenge. My thinking and speech became slowed-down. I felt sad and tired much of the time. I had no interest in food. Living life seemed to require a BIGGER effort than I could muster. These symptoms started on a small scale (in September) and escalated until I was thinking of suicide or death every day (by October). I was relieving my anxiety with self-harm (cutting). I was collecting prescription drugs with the intention of over-dosing. Thankfully, my family stepped in and took me to the Civic’s emergency where I underwent a series of mini assessments with nurses and a psychiatrist. I was pretty out of it. All I knew was that I needed to end the pain somehow. I felt like I was being tormented and I couldn’t take it any longer. I was admitted on the eve of my 26^th birthday. I remember that all I wanted to do was lie in the dark, but because I was under observation, they wouldn’t let me turn off the lights. It was bright and loud and I couldn’t wait to be transferred from psych emergency to somewhere less temporary. I was supposed to be moved up to the Civic’s psych ward, but fortunately I got the news that a bed was available at the Royal and that I would be transferred there later in the day. So the day after my birthday I was transferred by ambulance to the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Centre. I was a little nervous, as I’d never been hospitalized there before.

To be continued…

Rachel's Story - Taking Meds

It's summertime and my schedule is a little more laid back. That being said, I'm finding it hard to keep to a strict routine when it comes to taking my meds (especially my morning ones). I sleep in some mornings and then I take them a little later or forget altogether! Before, when people have expressed having difficulty taking meds, I have never been able to relate, but now I definitely can. I've tried leaving them right out on the counter where I can see them first thing in the morning and I've tried setting a watch alarm (which I have proceeded to sleep through!).

Then, I also have the problem where even if I think I've taken them in the morning, I'm not absolutely sure and wonder if I should take them again later on. I guess I need one of those pill boxes with the times of day written on it.

In the winter, when I was first discharged from the hospital, I was really vigilant and never ran into these problems. My schedule was a little more consistent then and the meds were easier to keep track of. Does anyone else have issues like this, other issues related to meds or solutions to these issues?