I have hid so much, from so many. It is very emotionally draining for me to try to explain here on this very public forum, and I have to admit that I am very scared about revealing such personal thoughts and feelings I have felt and struggled with in my "journey to hell and back". It's all true though, and I am hoping that by telling you all, it will be an education for you, to give you strength and learn from my experiences and what I have felt and gone through so you will realize that you are not alone.
Since this will be hard for me, I know, and very lengthy, I'm sure, as there are so many symptoms, feelings and emotions that I went through, I will try to list and explain them to you and for you, and then write small pieces about each and how it played a part in my sickness. My doctor, and she is the greatest in "my eyes", has taught me well, and by this I mean that I have to continue to take care of myself first, and know my limitations. I will use the term I heard her use with regards to my "recovery", and that is that I am still "fresh". I am always wary about just how "fresh" I am, and so we'll do this a little at a time, slowly. If not, I know she'll be giving me a "Big V-8 Slap!!"
The only thing that kept me from deteriorating at a much faster pace after the fire on Penny Dr with "my kids", as I call them, was that at the time my father was terminally ill and I was taking care of him at his home as he didn't want to die alone in a hospital. When I wasn't in the fire station, I was at his bedside. That's the ONLY thing that kept me going after I lost all control of my life, family, and career. I truly believe that. Focussing on my father allowed me to keep living.
Without that focus, that reason, I wouldn't have lived for long after that fire and losing those kids. You can read between those lines, as I'm not ready to write about what I was thinking about doing in some of those dark days that I was encountering. It was a struggle for my life though. And, there would be more, as my life and struggle continued onwards, and downwards.
Out of control. No control. Losing control. This was how my whole life felt. I don't know how I continued functioning, let alone working. As I said, I was in what I call "survivor" mode, and
I was really scared.
I had so much coming at me that I didn't understand, or know how to fix or control that I was deteriorating to the point that I had only enough energy to somehow continue to work, and perform my duties as a firefighter (somehow??) but absolutely nothing else. I remember that some days I would spend most of my day either asleep, or sitting in a chair in my livingroom, scared to go out just in case someone would "know" that I was sick. I started to deteriorate and become a recluse, as I was "sick" and different now, not normal as I said, or so I thought. I felt extremely embaressed, not deserving, ashamed inside for feeling and being this way. Who would want to be associated with me? What would they think of me? Was anyone onto me at work? Were people noticing things and changes in me? There's many many more questions that I had that will follow in future writings though.
I was trying to "hide" in plain sight as they say. I had such a good facade and learned to hide and keep my "secrets" so well that no one knew at work. At home, although I thought Iwas doing a good job of hiding my troubles, my wife knew, but didn't broach the subject. This obviously was not her fault though, as she too was alone watching me deteriorate and not knowing what to say or do for me, or our family as a whole. You just don't talk about mental issues, that was what society said to do. She was watching and losing the person she once knew, and was also so scared that she couldn't talk about it with me or anyone. So, we were both silent and denied. Pretend that nothing was wrong. It'll go away, or if we don't acknowledge that there's a problem, then we won't have to deal with it. There will be no problem. Right?? Besides that, I was still trying to "fix it" and hoping and telling myself that everything would pass and somehow it would all go away. Right? That's extremely destructive as I know now, in regards to mental health problems, denial, and not getting help. You can end up losing it all. Everything.
That's why we MUST talk openly about mental health issues! This is why I am choosing to talk openly about MY mental health issues now. I just about lost it all.
Till next week, Thanks, Larry
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Firefighters Story-PTSD How I Became 1 in 5
As I've said, 24 years of firefighting in Ottawa's 2 busiest downtown stations over most of my career has been a blessing, an honor, but was also THE major contributor to my ending up in the fight of my life, and for my life. That's how I also became part of the 1 in 5 who suffer and are afflicted with a mental health problem.
Most people , when they think of firefighters, attach a label of sorts or come to think of us as being"rough, tough, and macho" because of what our job entails. I like to think, and HOPE that people look up and respect us. But, this comes with a price tag on ones health.
When people think of firefighters, most come to think of us battling fires, obviously, but we do so many other types of calls to help people also. These may include car accidents, medicals of all types, which include heart attacks, suicides, and any other type of medical emergency you may think of. I've also spent close to 10 years on the water and ice rescue team, and helped boaters and swimmers in peril. Unfortunately alot of these calls were body retrievals. These were people who went missing, only to turn up weeks and sometimes months later. We are the guys who handle this very gruesome and unpleasant task.
You have calls where you are fortunate enough to be able to help people in their time of greatest need, which were the majority, but you also had a few where you did everything in your power, used all of your training, but were not able to save these people.
And then, you have the calls, incidents, that were so horrific and tragic, that they are burned into your memory forever. These calls you never forget and are etched into your memory forever. These are the calls that haunt you. These are the ones that cause you so much internal suffering, pain and trouble, and these are the ones you NEVER talk about.
You suffer in silence. This is where the problems can begin. You dare not say anything to anyone, as that would be a sign of weakness, or so you are led to believe. This is also where my struggle with what is known as "The God Complex" comes into the picture.
Failure is not an option. You strive for, and become use to fixing situations. That's why when you aren't able to help, or you lose someone, you take it very hard. It becomes extremely personal. You're trained, and you pull out every trick you have in your collection of experiences in order to come to a successful conclusion on each and every call. When the situation is beyond your capabilities, you don't accept failing very graciously inside, and for me that meant blaming myself and questioning what I did wrong. The "God Complex".
In one part of my therapy, I had to be taught how to recognize when things were beyond my control. Sounds simple, right? It is so far from simple, and it was a struggle that I had to fight with each and everyday throughout therapy. To this very day, and I know that forever, I will have to use the tools that I was taught in order not to fall into the same vicious cycle I found myself in.
Traumas are cumulative, thats proven. After years of viewing and being involved in many small traumas, their effects took a toll on me personally, and this spilled over into my families lives also.
Then, in January 2003, a fire so horrific and terrible occurred in the west end on Penny Dr, a firebombing where two young kids were burnt to death. I was the lieutenant in charge of trying to rescue those kids. I was only able to get half way up the ladder to their bedroom where they were, but the heat and flames were just too much. This was the beginning of my acceleration into some major mental health problems, as well as being diagnosed with PTSD and a myriad of side effects that go with it.
In September of 2006 I was involved in a major fire in Overbrooke where I went through the 3rd story roof and became trapped in the fire that was raging below me in the attic. The only part of me visible above the roof was my head. I ended up running out of air and saying goodbye to my wife and kids. I was sure that was the end of me and I was going to die. Thankfully, after some amazing work by my brother firefighters, they eventually managed to help me just enough so that I was able to extricate myself from between the rafters where I was stuck. I don't remember much after I was freed as I went into shock and landed in the General Hospital trauma unit. I had somehow climbed down the ladder from the roof to the ground, and eventually woke up the day after, and I was in a dark room not knowing where I was or what had happened to me.
Amazingly, this fire showing me trapped was captured by bystanders on film. Eventaully,part of my therapy was to go through what's called "exposure work" and I ended up viewing myself just about dying in that fire many times over. That came later though.
After healing physically for a few months, I returned to duty. That's when things eventually caught up to me, as inside I was screaming for help one moment, and denying everything the next.
I became numb, and went into what I call "survival mode". I felt like I was no longer the person whom I use to be and I told my wife many times over that I'm not the person I use to be. I'm not normal anymore. I knew that there was something wrong with me, but I figured that I could fight my way through it. Eventually I'd be okay, and get over it.
How wrong I was.
Thanks, till next week, take care, Larry.
Most people , when they think of firefighters, attach a label of sorts or come to think of us as being"rough, tough, and macho" because of what our job entails. I like to think, and HOPE that people look up and respect us. But, this comes with a price tag on ones health.
When people think of firefighters, most come to think of us battling fires, obviously, but we do so many other types of calls to help people also. These may include car accidents, medicals of all types, which include heart attacks, suicides, and any other type of medical emergency you may think of. I've also spent close to 10 years on the water and ice rescue team, and helped boaters and swimmers in peril. Unfortunately alot of these calls were body retrievals. These were people who went missing, only to turn up weeks and sometimes months later. We are the guys who handle this very gruesome and unpleasant task.
You have calls where you are fortunate enough to be able to help people in their time of greatest need, which were the majority, but you also had a few where you did everything in your power, used all of your training, but were not able to save these people.
And then, you have the calls, incidents, that were so horrific and tragic, that they are burned into your memory forever. These calls you never forget and are etched into your memory forever. These are the calls that haunt you. These are the ones that cause you so much internal suffering, pain and trouble, and these are the ones you NEVER talk about.
You suffer in silence. This is where the problems can begin. You dare not say anything to anyone, as that would be a sign of weakness, or so you are led to believe. This is also where my struggle with what is known as "The God Complex" comes into the picture.
Failure is not an option. You strive for, and become use to fixing situations. That's why when you aren't able to help, or you lose someone, you take it very hard. It becomes extremely personal. You're trained, and you pull out every trick you have in your collection of experiences in order to come to a successful conclusion on each and every call. When the situation is beyond your capabilities, you don't accept failing very graciously inside, and for me that meant blaming myself and questioning what I did wrong. The "God Complex".
In one part of my therapy, I had to be taught how to recognize when things were beyond my control. Sounds simple, right? It is so far from simple, and it was a struggle that I had to fight with each and everyday throughout therapy. To this very day, and I know that forever, I will have to use the tools that I was taught in order not to fall into the same vicious cycle I found myself in.
Traumas are cumulative, thats proven. After years of viewing and being involved in many small traumas, their effects took a toll on me personally, and this spilled over into my families lives also.
Then, in January 2003, a fire so horrific and terrible occurred in the west end on Penny Dr, a firebombing where two young kids were burnt to death. I was the lieutenant in charge of trying to rescue those kids. I was only able to get half way up the ladder to their bedroom where they were, but the heat and flames were just too much. This was the beginning of my acceleration into some major mental health problems, as well as being diagnosed with PTSD and a myriad of side effects that go with it.
In September of 2006 I was involved in a major fire in Overbrooke where I went through the 3rd story roof and became trapped in the fire that was raging below me in the attic. The only part of me visible above the roof was my head. I ended up running out of air and saying goodbye to my wife and kids. I was sure that was the end of me and I was going to die. Thankfully, after some amazing work by my brother firefighters, they eventually managed to help me just enough so that I was able to extricate myself from between the rafters where I was stuck. I don't remember much after I was freed as I went into shock and landed in the General Hospital trauma unit. I had somehow climbed down the ladder from the roof to the ground, and eventually woke up the day after, and I was in a dark room not knowing where I was or what had happened to me.
Amazingly, this fire showing me trapped was captured by bystanders on film. Eventaully,part of my therapy was to go through what's called "exposure work" and I ended up viewing myself just about dying in that fire many times over. That came later though.
After healing physically for a few months, I returned to duty. That's when things eventually caught up to me, as inside I was screaming for help one moment, and denying everything the next.
I became numb, and went into what I call "survival mode". I felt like I was no longer the person whom I use to be and I told my wife many times over that I'm not the person I use to be. I'm not normal anymore. I knew that there was something wrong with me, but I figured that I could fight my way through it. Eventually I'd be okay, and get over it.
How wrong I was.
Thanks, till next week, take care, Larry.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Firefighters Story
Although being a firefighter caused me to suffer from recurring acute PTSD, I wouldn't change my career. What I would however change, was the idea that suffering from a mental health issue was to be kept a dark secret and not seeking out help. This is why I am writing and sharing my story, in the hope that people will read my story, and it will cause them to know that it's okay to get help. We as a society have to change and erase the stigmatisms that go with having a mental health issue. I have gone through treatment and have been successful in returning to work as a firefighter. I now have an opportunity to help others, not solely as a firefighter, but now as someone who has "been to hell and back" as I have come to call my journey, and this gives me an opportunity to share this journey with others as someone who has experienced first hand having a mental health issue, and all that goes with the many issues that accompany being diagnosed with having a mental health issue. After completing my therapy I was looking for a way to help others, it was a mission of mine. Still searching, I heard the "You know who I am" campaign with spokesperson Danielle Alfredsson making headlines and I knew immediately that this was my opportunity and provided an avenue to help others by telling my story publically. This is my way of "giving back" if you will for all the help I received. This is also part of my continued therapy, and healing, which I continue to go through. This gives me a chance to use my "education and understanding" with regards to my personal diagnosis of PTSD and the myriad of symptoms which I was afflicted with. I'm hoping that anyone reading my story will be inspired, and know that they are not alone, as many will recognize many of the symptoms I will talk about. I know that for me personally it gave me great comfort to know that there were others who were afflicted as I was, and that I was not alone. I hope that all of you reading this and my future writings who may be suffering from your own mental health issues or diagnosis or families who have loved ones that have been diagnosed will take comfort in the fact that you are not alone, and I welcome your comments and questions as I continue to write my story. We need to have an open dialogue in order to start erasing the stigmatisms that hang over those of us who have been diagnosed with a "mental health issue." It is my real hope that this will occur right here, right now as I continue to write in the future. Thank you, Larry
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Firefighters Story
My name is Larry and I've been a firefighter in Ottawa for approx 24yrs. I was diagnosed with recurring acute PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder and have been battling hard since 2003 to overcome this and other mental health issues that go along with PTSD. I want to share my story with others, to give them HOPE, and to let others know that they are not alone and it is possible to overcome. I also hope that as I tell my story, others will recognize similar characteristics that we all might share when stricken with mental healh issues. I also hope that this will encourage people to seek out help, as I did. It is possible to overcome, and although you might feel all alone in your battles, you are not alone. If I am able to help just one other by telling my story, it will all be worth it. We have to educate people and break down the walls of shame, stigmatisms and all that goes with having mental health issues. This is one of the biggest problems with mental health issues, people are not educated and understanding with regards to issues we might face, therefore people are scared and misinformed as soon as they hear the words "mental health issues." I say we , because I've been through it myself as I have said, and I am hopeful that as you read my story that you will notice and understand that, yes, there are others who face similar challenges and that you are not alone. I am sure that as I tell my story here, you will find similarities between what you might be facing, and what I have faced. I want to give you some hope and the courage to seek help and regain control of your life. You can do it, and I really want to inspire you to open up, not be scared, and you too can overcome, as I have.
I will continue writing my story shortly, a little at a time, and I hope it will help you who read it, and inspire you not to give up, but to know that there is help for you and you too may enjoy success and overcome.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Seeking Treatment
There is so much that is misunderstood when it comes to mental illness. I have interviewed friends, family members, co-workers and strangers about mental illnesses. Not surprising, many people agree that it is still hidden behind a dark veil; that it's something to be whispered about and talked about in private.
I was 17 when I had my first bout of depression. I would only come to realize what it was at the age of 30, right after the birth of my daughter when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. For 13 solid years I battled depression, anxiety, bulimia and obsessive compulsive disorder and was too ashamed and scared to to seek treatment. I truly thought "it" would go away. The thought of being hospitalized for depression scared me so much that I vowed not to say a thing. All I could think about was mind-numbing medication and straight jackets. This is what society would have you believe. The reality is something quite different. Seeking treatment can save your life. It did for me.
Mental illness is a serious medical condition - just like diabetes and heart disease. Why are we so afraid of it? Why are people still so judgemental? We are on a mission of a lifetime to banish the stigma once and for all through the "You know Who I Am" campaign. Are you on board?
Heather Hennigar
I was 17 when I had my first bout of depression. I would only come to realize what it was at the age of 30, right after the birth of my daughter when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. For 13 solid years I battled depression, anxiety, bulimia and obsessive compulsive disorder and was too ashamed and scared to to seek treatment. I truly thought "it" would go away. The thought of being hospitalized for depression scared me so much that I vowed not to say a thing. All I could think about was mind-numbing medication and straight jackets. This is what society would have you believe. The reality is something quite different. Seeking treatment can save your life. It did for me.
Mental illness is a serious medical condition - just like diabetes and heart disease. Why are we so afraid of it? Why are people still so judgemental? We are on a mission of a lifetime to banish the stigma once and for all through the "You know Who I Am" campaign. Are you on board?
Heather Hennigar
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Hello and Welcome!
Hi Everyone,
My name is Heather Hennigar. In March, 2005 I sat beside the Honourable Michael Wilson at a press conference at the Royal Ottawa Hospital and helped launch a campaign titled "You Know Who I Am". I had no idea what would transpire in my life since making that decision to lend my face to the campaign. I really could not have imagined how it would impact my life - just by telling my story.
I am one in five. In 2000, I was diagnosed with post partum depression, major depressive disorder, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and bulimia. Everyone who had known me before my diagnosis would have described me as normal, happy and outgoing. The sad truth was that I had kept my pain and suffering a secret for many years. I was ashamed and scared.
After four years of intensive treatment - medication and psychotherapy, I started to come alive again. Now, it has been eight years and I am better than ever! It was not easy. I had nine visits to the hospital (each lasting about three weeks) and I survived a suicide attempt in August, 2004.
Mental illness does not dicriminate. It can happen to anyone, anytime. We all need to work together to talk openly about it. I look forward to sharing more of my story with you and would love to hear your comments and stories as well.
Last, and certainly not least, a big personal "thank-you" to Daniel Alfredsson. I know what kind of courage it takes come forward.
Heather
My name is Heather Hennigar. In March, 2005 I sat beside the Honourable Michael Wilson at a press conference at the Royal Ottawa Hospital and helped launch a campaign titled "You Know Who I Am". I had no idea what would transpire in my life since making that decision to lend my face to the campaign. I really could not have imagined how it would impact my life - just by telling my story.
I am one in five. In 2000, I was diagnosed with post partum depression, major depressive disorder, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and bulimia. Everyone who had known me before my diagnosis would have described me as normal, happy and outgoing. The sad truth was that I had kept my pain and suffering a secret for many years. I was ashamed and scared.
After four years of intensive treatment - medication and psychotherapy, I started to come alive again. Now, it has been eight years and I am better than ever! It was not easy. I had nine visits to the hospital (each lasting about three weeks) and I survived a suicide attempt in August, 2004.
Mental illness does not dicriminate. It can happen to anyone, anytime. We all need to work together to talk openly about it. I look forward to sharing more of my story with you and would love to hear your comments and stories as well.
Last, and certainly not least, a big personal "thank-you" to Daniel Alfredsson. I know what kind of courage it takes come forward.
Heather
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Share your story
Have you been touched by mental illness,
share your story...
(ADD YOUR COMMENT
The Rule: Keep it clean. If you see inappropriate language, e-mail us.)
share your story...
(ADD YOUR COMMENT
The Rule: Keep it clean. If you see inappropriate language, e-mail us.)
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