I MUST apologize to everyone as I will not be able to write my sunday weekly installment. I have said many times here that I must know my limitations, and I have to continually learn to take care of myself by putting myself first at times, which is so very difficult for me to do, because it is not in my nature to do so. Right now though, is one of those times. I must. The events of the last couple of weeks have taken an extreme toll on myself emotionally. I have ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS though! This must be stated and for those who know me, and for others who read the blog about my many adventures and suffering with PTSD and all that accompany's this, must not worry please. The cause of raising awareness that I believe in so very strongly, and am committed to, has not left me any less determined, but it has left me needing to try to take care of myself now in order to continue on.
I have seen and heard of so very many successes in the last couple of weeks since the kickoff breakfast for the Royal Ottawa's awareness campaign headed, by Mr Alfredsson, the Ottawa Senators hockey captain, and the "You know who i am" campaign. The successes I have heard about fill me with so much joy.
Unfortunately though, there has been a very strong resistance by some, and this resistance has been against me personally, and has affected me very negatively in so many ways. I cannot explain any of the details, as the details must stay confidential.
Suffice to say though, I must retreat for a hopefully short period of time to do what is necessary to take care of not only myself, but the most important people in my life, my family.
I am hoping this will be a short respite and break before I return to continue writing and hopefully being able to help others, and to face the adversity and challenges associated with trying to effect changes for everyone for the good of all.
Thank you very much, Larry
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Rachel's Story - secret exposed
I started university at the age of 17 and was really passionate about my chosen subject, theatre. Unfortunately, though, it was at this time that what I now realize were symptoms of manic-depression (bipolar disorder) began to really emerge and intrude on my everyday life. I complained constantly to my mom about being tired and unmotivated. Periods of depression much like the ones I described last week continued intermittently, seemingly without a trigger. I remember several occasions where I would be driving at night and have to pull the car over to the side of the road because I could no longer see for all the tears streaming down my face. It felt like my emotions were out of control.
Monday, October 13, 2008
FirefightersStory-Thankyou to ALL/Obstacles
First, this past week has been so very very humbling, emotional, filled with many tears, a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs,BUT ITS ALL WORTH IT! Knowing that I was able to make a very small difference to others to help them realize that others who suffer like themselves, ARE out there. I went from being anonymous, to real public with revealing my identity with a picture for people to see me in order to make everyone realize that there is a face behind the story, which I felt was important. I thought that this would do more good for others, in that everyone who saw the 'face' behind the many messages we are all trying to get out to the public , far outweighed the consequences that now are part of what I will have to try and face in my life now. In my heart though, it was the right thing to do, and this is all I can say for now as it's very emotional obviously, and a very lonely place for me at this time now, BUT NO REGRETS!!!
To all of you who have helped raise the awareness, and you all know who you are, on behalf of everyone out here, a very big Thank you. Simple, yet it means so much.
I would like to briefly start on the subject of what I know was the biggest obstacle I had to fight through, in order for me to not only start therapy, but continue therapy. Some of the spillover effects, symptoms and such DO continue to this day, and can still be a challenge, but thats for another time. Many of you will recognize these other symptoms and challenges YOU face with being 1 in 5 and NOT having PTSD per say, but your own diagnosis of having a mental illness. I truly believe, my opinion only though, that we who suffer, have so very much in common, as in the spilloff symptoms, that if we were all able to sit down together and talk, we would all find out just how similar we all are. I like to say that we are all different, BUT we are all the same. I can tell you from my recent experiences, it is so very comforting for me to know that there are others who can relate so much to me, and me to them. Its comforting.
My biggest obstacle that I faced, WAS MYSELF! It was what was going on inside of my brain, my thoughts, my paranoia with what others would see, or what I would think they would be able to see. I would "think" that everyone and anyone who even looked at me, was around me, the public at large, my fellow firefighters, would be able to just look at me and say, ya, he's lost it. Although as I have said I came up with many ways to "hide in plain sight" as I call it, cover things up, run and hide my tears and breakdowns, put up a great fascade so others would not know, I went so far as to have many many detailed plans to exit, not only from certain situations that arose, but also from life. I always had to have a plan.
Every situation I faced, from going out to a store to get something, which obviously would be in public, to family situations, gatherings, get togethers, I had to have an exit plan, or an excuse to get away from everyone. Hence, the paranoia as I call it, and thats what it is/was with mental illness, be it real or not. In my mind it was ALL real though.
This is where MY BIGGEST fight was, and will be now. I say will be now, just because of the last weeks efforts to put a face to the story of mentall illness. Then, and now, its all the same. The fight is from within, for me.
I will write more about this struggle, at another time. As I keep saying I know my llimitations, and I must stop now, and try to take care of myself.
Again, THANK YOU to ALL OF YOU !! till next week, Larry
To all of you who have helped raise the awareness, and you all know who you are, on behalf of everyone out here, a very big Thank you. Simple, yet it means so much.
I would like to briefly start on the subject of what I know was the biggest obstacle I had to fight through, in order for me to not only start therapy, but continue therapy. Some of the spillover effects, symptoms and such DO continue to this day, and can still be a challenge, but thats for another time. Many of you will recognize these other symptoms and challenges YOU face with being 1 in 5 and NOT having PTSD per say, but your own diagnosis of having a mental illness. I truly believe, my opinion only though, that we who suffer, have so very much in common, as in the spilloff symptoms, that if we were all able to sit down together and talk, we would all find out just how similar we all are. I like to say that we are all different, BUT we are all the same. I can tell you from my recent experiences, it is so very comforting for me to know that there are others who can relate so much to me, and me to them. Its comforting.
My biggest obstacle that I faced, WAS MYSELF! It was what was going on inside of my brain, my thoughts, my paranoia with what others would see, or what I would think they would be able to see. I would "think" that everyone and anyone who even looked at me, was around me, the public at large, my fellow firefighters, would be able to just look at me and say, ya, he's lost it. Although as I have said I came up with many ways to "hide in plain sight" as I call it, cover things up, run and hide my tears and breakdowns, put up a great fascade so others would not know, I went so far as to have many many detailed plans to exit, not only from certain situations that arose, but also from life. I always had to have a plan.
Every situation I faced, from going out to a store to get something, which obviously would be in public, to family situations, gatherings, get togethers, I had to have an exit plan, or an excuse to get away from everyone. Hence, the paranoia as I call it, and thats what it is/was with mental illness, be it real or not. In my mind it was ALL real though.
This is where MY BIGGEST fight was, and will be now. I say will be now, just because of the last weeks efforts to put a face to the story of mentall illness. Then, and now, its all the same. The fight is from within, for me.
I will write more about this struggle, at another time. As I keep saying I know my llimitations, and I must stop now, and try to take care of myself.
Again, THANK YOU to ALL OF YOU !! till next week, Larry
Friday, October 10, 2008
Rachel's Story - how it began...
I can’t remember when this all started for me. It’s not like this illness just snuck up on me. In hindsight, I can see that it was building over the course of my life. Certain parts are a bit fuzzy in my mind (thanks, in part, to the illness, I think). But I am going to try to share it, with the hope that others might identify with parts and feel less alone.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
FirefightersStory-Stigma/Feelings/Challenges
This writing should be a good education for all, I HOPE! I'm hoping that those who read this, whether you are like me, 1 in 5 and who suffer from a mental health illness, or have a family member that does, and are struggling with the many stigmas, feelings, fears such as I have, will just maybe have a better insight by what I am about to write here today. This is real, this is what I am feeling right now, and I am gripped in a terrifying fear of so many thoughts and emotions. I hope that for those of you who are sufferinng and struggling right now, you will see that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and I HOPE you will somehow find a way to take a little bit of comfort in that. For those of you who know of or have a family member who is suffering, read on ,please,as this might, help you to understand just exactly what we who ARE the 1 in 5 fear, struggle with. It might also help you gain a little insight into the strange and scary ways that our minds sometimes grip us with fear, panic, confusion, and so many emotions that take over and run wild and rampant.
My heart is racing, and I'm running a million miles an hour inside as I write. I am terrified for what lies ahead for me in the days and weeks to follow. I am going to be doing something tomorrow that I BELIEVE IN, and I am not wavering in my solid convictions with regards to trying to help others, getting the messages out to the public that mental health illness is serious, and very real. People need to be educated, and we MUST talk openly and honestly instead of denying, or looking the other way in the hopes that if we do, the many all encompassing issues surrounding mental illness will disappear, or go away. Many do not realize the severity of the challenges that we face, and many others do not even realize just how close these issues might be to either themselves, or a loved one. They might be staring these issues right in the face and not even realize it, or understand it.
I do know though, that the challenge that is facing me, the fears and emotions are very real , raw,and terrifying. This is my reality, as is others who are like me, the other 1 in 5's.
When I was nearing the end of my treatment and therapy to help overcome the issues and challenges I had fought with for so long with PTSD, I realized that I had another "calling" in life. I had been given a gift, a new life and beginning, and a chance to turn the nightmare I had been living with for so long into a opportunity to help others. Nothing was going to stop or prevent me from doing so. I had been blessed with the opportunity to help others everytime I went to work and went out on a fire call. Now I was going to be able to help others such as myself, I hoped, by taking my experiences with suffering from a acute mental illness such as I had, and using the experiences and knowledge I had gained to help others.
So I started searching and waiting for an opportunity to allow me to accomplish this. Enter Mr Alfredsson. Here was my chance, because if he said it was okay to talk and not be ashamed, then I would have someone in my corner, so to speak, by my side.
I have been afforded the opportunity to help others with my writings, and chatting on this blog. Although people do know that I am a firefighter, and they do know my name, nobody but a select few know the person, the face that is behind these efforts of mine. I am anonymous, and have been for quite sometime. That's the way I like it, as I prefer to stay in the background, under the radar so to speak, because I am not looking for any recognition, I just have a desire to help others, and I am hoping that I have been able to do this "very quietly" "anonymously" because it's not about what I am, it's about the person that I am, and what I am trying to do for others.
I have shared my many struggles I and my loving family have faced, (there's lots more to share with everyonestill) but I have also been able to share my many triumphs, in the hopes of instilling these "feelings" of HOPE that I have, to others, as well as my sincerest and humble hope of helping and reassuring them also. I had NO HOPE before, but I do now, and I want others to know that there is HOPE for them also.
I had the honor of being asked to sit down yesterday with a lovely and caring lady by the name of Paula at the Ottawa Citizen and do an interview with her to try and explain a bit about my story, my mental illness and its challenges,and my desire to help others by coming forward, sharing with them through my writing, and how this has all come to fruition through the efforts of the many caring people at the Royal Ottawa Foundation, Mr Alfredsson, and numerous others too long to mention who are working tirelessly behind the scenes anonymously as I have been , because they too believe, and have been touched in one way or another by mental illness.
Along with the interview, I was asked if they could take pictures of me, and of course I readily accepted, though being very very shy it was hard for me. As I said, I prefer to "fly under the radar". This will be in mondays Ottawa Citizen, and I'm hoping I did okay, but am very nervous as obviously it was difficult, emotional, and I've obviously never talked this publically before. But, the message has to get out in order to help others.
As I was preparing to leave for the interview, and from there directly to work at the fire station for a night shift, my family asked me why I was, as I call it "wound for sound". You could peel me off the ceiling so to speak. I was anxious, scared, terrified, tearful, all rolled into one big storm of wild emotions. So I tried to explain to my wife and three girls just exactly what was going on in my little brain. What follows is how I tried to explain it to them, and my reasons why. Hope you understand, as it is somewhat shorter and paraphrased for length.
People need to know that mental illness is real, and if affects real people. So, my feelings and thoughts were that people needed to "see" a real person, me, Larry, and be able to put a face to the story of my mental illness that I write about, and hopefully this would help to make it clearer to all that we ARE real people, us 1 in 5, in need of real proper professional help. This way it might help everyone to understand better and to realize just how real this all is.
Now, I must wait and see what troubles will await me at work, but I am not optimistic at all I'm sorry to say. I have a feeling, and it is NOT good,as there's only one other firefighter that knows what I have been trying to do "anonymously, quietly behind the scenes and below the radar" in order to help others. I didn't want anyone to know because I am truly very scared with regards to the many unfortunate stigmas that people have, and I in my own way, deliberately decided that I would "avoid", which is very common with having PTSD , as we practice avoidance extremely well in order to not have to deal with it. Sometimes, old habits die hard though, and I make no apology's to anyone for this. This is still who I am. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to survive for just a little while longer, in the hopes it will all go away.And yes I do know that it will never go away, without her(psychologists) help. My angel as I and my family refer to her.
So, I don't know what will become of me, nor what challenges I will have to fight now, though I have a very good idea, and can imagine. I have said to my family, and my psychologist, as she knows everything I do, she's my security blanket and helps to keep me going, that I do indeed have a calling, and they support me in this calling, because, "Sometimes when you hear the call, you have to answer that call, no matter what the consequences!"
This is also why she knows(my psychologist), that I will be sitting on my "park bench" that has my name on it, as did my hero General Romeo Dallaire, who had his own "park bench" with his name on it, who was the pioneer spokesperson and example for me with regards to PTSD and my mental illness, whom unfortunately knew what the right thing to do for his soldiers was, though by battling on for what he believed in, unfortunately relapsed, and sat on his "park bench", and as do I with regards to helping others, and my fellow firefighters, and I know she (my angel, psychologist)will find me, and we'll talk quietly, and get ready to push the snowball up the mountain again.
Thank you for allowing me to write and express my thoughts about this challenge, but I assure you that I have no regrets, because in the end it will help others. Mission accomplished, so to speak.
Larry
My heart is racing, and I'm running a million miles an hour inside as I write. I am terrified for what lies ahead for me in the days and weeks to follow. I am going to be doing something tomorrow that I BELIEVE IN, and I am not wavering in my solid convictions with regards to trying to help others, getting the messages out to the public that mental health illness is serious, and very real. People need to be educated, and we MUST talk openly and honestly instead of denying, or looking the other way in the hopes that if we do, the many all encompassing issues surrounding mental illness will disappear, or go away. Many do not realize the severity of the challenges that we face, and many others do not even realize just how close these issues might be to either themselves, or a loved one. They might be staring these issues right in the face and not even realize it, or understand it.
I do know though, that the challenge that is facing me, the fears and emotions are very real , raw,and terrifying. This is my reality, as is others who are like me, the other 1 in 5's.
When I was nearing the end of my treatment and therapy to help overcome the issues and challenges I had fought with for so long with PTSD, I realized that I had another "calling" in life. I had been given a gift, a new life and beginning, and a chance to turn the nightmare I had been living with for so long into a opportunity to help others. Nothing was going to stop or prevent me from doing so. I had been blessed with the opportunity to help others everytime I went to work and went out on a fire call. Now I was going to be able to help others such as myself, I hoped, by taking my experiences with suffering from a acute mental illness such as I had, and using the experiences and knowledge I had gained to help others.
So I started searching and waiting for an opportunity to allow me to accomplish this. Enter Mr Alfredsson. Here was my chance, because if he said it was okay to talk and not be ashamed, then I would have someone in my corner, so to speak, by my side.
I have been afforded the opportunity to help others with my writings, and chatting on this blog. Although people do know that I am a firefighter, and they do know my name, nobody but a select few know the person, the face that is behind these efforts of mine. I am anonymous, and have been for quite sometime. That's the way I like it, as I prefer to stay in the background, under the radar so to speak, because I am not looking for any recognition, I just have a desire to help others, and I am hoping that I have been able to do this "very quietly" "anonymously" because it's not about what I am, it's about the person that I am, and what I am trying to do for others.
I have shared my many struggles I and my loving family have faced, (there's lots more to share with everyonestill) but I have also been able to share my many triumphs, in the hopes of instilling these "feelings" of HOPE that I have, to others, as well as my sincerest and humble hope of helping and reassuring them also. I had NO HOPE before, but I do now, and I want others to know that there is HOPE for them also.
I had the honor of being asked to sit down yesterday with a lovely and caring lady by the name of Paula at the Ottawa Citizen and do an interview with her to try and explain a bit about my story, my mental illness and its challenges,and my desire to help others by coming forward, sharing with them through my writing, and how this has all come to fruition through the efforts of the many caring people at the Royal Ottawa Foundation, Mr Alfredsson, and numerous others too long to mention who are working tirelessly behind the scenes anonymously as I have been , because they too believe, and have been touched in one way or another by mental illness.
Along with the interview, I was asked if they could take pictures of me, and of course I readily accepted, though being very very shy it was hard for me. As I said, I prefer to "fly under the radar". This will be in mondays Ottawa Citizen, and I'm hoping I did okay, but am very nervous as obviously it was difficult, emotional, and I've obviously never talked this publically before. But, the message has to get out in order to help others.
As I was preparing to leave for the interview, and from there directly to work at the fire station for a night shift, my family asked me why I was, as I call it "wound for sound". You could peel me off the ceiling so to speak. I was anxious, scared, terrified, tearful, all rolled into one big storm of wild emotions. So I tried to explain to my wife and three girls just exactly what was going on in my little brain. What follows is how I tried to explain it to them, and my reasons why. Hope you understand, as it is somewhat shorter and paraphrased for length.
People need to know that mental illness is real, and if affects real people. So, my feelings and thoughts were that people needed to "see" a real person, me, Larry, and be able to put a face to the story of my mental illness that I write about, and hopefully this would help to make it clearer to all that we ARE real people, us 1 in 5, in need of real proper professional help. This way it might help everyone to understand better and to realize just how real this all is.
Now, I must wait and see what troubles will await me at work, but I am not optimistic at all I'm sorry to say. I have a feeling, and it is NOT good,as there's only one other firefighter that knows what I have been trying to do "anonymously, quietly behind the scenes and below the radar" in order to help others. I didn't want anyone to know because I am truly very scared with regards to the many unfortunate stigmas that people have, and I in my own way, deliberately decided that I would "avoid", which is very common with having PTSD , as we practice avoidance extremely well in order to not have to deal with it. Sometimes, old habits die hard though, and I make no apology's to anyone for this. This is still who I am. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to survive for just a little while longer, in the hopes it will all go away.And yes I do know that it will never go away, without her(psychologists) help. My angel as I and my family refer to her.
So, I don't know what will become of me, nor what challenges I will have to fight now, though I have a very good idea, and can imagine. I have said to my family, and my psychologist, as she knows everything I do, she's my security blanket and helps to keep me going, that I do indeed have a calling, and they support me in this calling, because, "Sometimes when you hear the call, you have to answer that call, no matter what the consequences!"
This is also why she knows(my psychologist), that I will be sitting on my "park bench" that has my name on it, as did my hero General Romeo Dallaire, who had his own "park bench" with his name on it, who was the pioneer spokesperson and example for me with regards to PTSD and my mental illness, whom unfortunately knew what the right thing to do for his soldiers was, though by battling on for what he believed in, unfortunately relapsed, and sat on his "park bench", and as do I with regards to helping others, and my fellow firefighters, and I know she (my angel, psychologist)will find me, and we'll talk quietly, and get ready to push the snowball up the mountain again.
Thank you for allowing me to write and express my thoughts about this challenge, but I assure you that I have no regrets, because in the end it will help others. Mission accomplished, so to speak.
Larry
Friday, October 3, 2008
Rachel's Story - Intro
Hi, my name is Rachel. I’m 25 years old. I have a two-year old Yorkie whom I adore. I am a vegetarian and Indian & Sushi are among my favourite foods. In my spare time I love practicing yoga and watching movies. I have a degree from the University of Ottawa in Theatre (I LOVE acting and directing) and in Communications. I’m a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a student, an employee, a friend. I am one of the 1 in 5 people affected by mental illness in our community. I have Bipolar Disorder.
Clearly, the decision to be open with others about any illness is very personal and, unfortunately, there is lots of stigma attached to mental illness in particular. But I want to share my experience of this disease with you; both the experiences of my past, and the journey I’m on now. I’m eager to share because for the first 23 years of my life, I hid the symptoms and feelings I was so ashamed of. No one in my world talked about mental illness. I didn’t know of anyone who saw a psychiatrist or had a diagnosed psychiatric disorder. I had no idea that my out-of-control moods and dark thoughts were in fact due to a chemical imbalance. I felt so alone. So I spent every day putting all of my energy into showing the world that I was ok – just like everybody else (it’s no wonder that when it came time to choosing what I wanted to pursue at University, I wanted to learn acting!). As you may know from personal experience, this is an exhausting way to live. In class at school, I tried very hard to focus so as not to break down in tears. I just wanted to lie curled up on the floor and disappear forever. I still feel this way much of the time. In fact, this past week or so has been filled with feelings like this. I am relieved, though, to have a reason (a diagnosis) and people to talk with about it (whether that be a friend, a family member or my doctor). It has been freeing to not feel that I have to hide this HUGE thing I am going through. The openness has created somewhat of a support system. People in my life weren’t able to help me when they didn’t know what, if anything, was wrong. That being said, my natural instinct when I’m sick is still to withdraw from the world and isolate myself, even from the people who are closest to me. It continues to be a constant struggle right now, every day. I realized this past week that I was falling back into my old pattern of faking feeling good. It’s so hard when I know that everyone in my life wants so desperately for me to be well. I hate disappointing them…but I think I hate the loneliness even more. I know that I’ve never felt worse by speaking honestly about my mental illness. That being said, I hope that voicing my experience here will help me manage my symptoms and, more than anything, I hope that someone with similar symptoms might feel a little less lonely by reading about my journey.
thanks for reading.
see you next week,
Rachel
Sunday, September 28, 2008
FirefightersStory-Trying to Protect My Family
As does everyone, I would do anything to protect my family. As I was taught, and had to learn though, by trying to protect my family from what I was going through with PTSD and other related symptoms, I was actually causing them more harm. This was a very tough lesson for me to learn though, and even though my psychologist explained this to me, many times, I still showed up in therapy with stories of ways that I hid what I was going through. Then, of course, she would patiently explain it to me, again, and again, to make me think, show me the reasons why I shouldn't hide what I was going through and feeling, in the hopes I would understand. This would be repeated to me for many many months.
I had a severe fear, and problem with "feelings" and dealing with and accepting them. I was totally numb to any and all feelings when I entered therapy. It was part of many years of numbing them, in order to survive and continue firefighting and living. This just happened, it was automatic, and I didn't have to try to do any of this, it was just my brains reaction I suppose to survive whatever I had seen and been through for many years as a firefighter.
My thinking was that if I tried to hide what I was feelling and going through, then everybody would think that I was okay, and things were normal. For years though, in my gradual decline, and denial, I thought I was doing a good job of trying to cover things up, so as not to worry my family, but also to protect them. I didn't realize just how much I had changed though, nevermind the inside, but on the outside. Nobody said anything though, or if they did, it wasn't to my knowledge. As I look back now though, things couldn't have been more obvious to all, and the only person that thought I was succeeding in covering things up so as to look and act 'normal', was me.
I'll just talk about one thing that I hid from my family, and everyone for that matter. Rather, I should say I 'thought' I hid from my family.
Endless tears, and crying uncontrollably. Yes, I'm not too proud now to say that I spent most days in neverending tears. I had deteriorated emotionally and was truly in a very 'fragile' state of mind.
I did everything in my power to hide my tears. I ran and hid at from my family at home, as well as having to have many strategies for hiding my many breakdowns at work. Obviously when at work, there were many other obvious risks I took with regards to getting 'caught' and suffering extreme embaressment. What the hell would you say to a bunch of macho tough firefighters who weren't suppose to cry, or in reality, be human.
I had so many ups and downs throughout the day, and it wouldn't be unusual for me to have upwards of probably between fifteen to twenty episodes of crying per day during my worst times. They obviously weren't all at home, but out in public places.
I did everything I could to avoid going out in public for fear of breaking down into tears. I had withdrew from venturing out as much as possible, and avoided any public contact with people as best I could. When forced to go out, to say get food, I always had to be ready to run out of the store and somehow avoid people who would see my tears. Quite the feeling as you could imagine.
At work, I had to find places to hide from my guys in order to hide when the tears flowed freely.
These episodes also came out of nowhere, blindsiding me as I say. For no particular reason, there they were.
At home, I would spend a great deal of time either running outside so my family wouldn't see me in tears, or as all too often would happen,trying to be as quiet as I could at night in bed, not sleeping, and crying uncontrollably into my pillow.
The most important lesson she (my psychologist) taught me was to share, share and share some more with my family. These were the people who were closest to me, yet I was keeping them as far away from me as possible. They were there to support me, as well as needing support themselves. In order for my family to help me, I had to allow them to 'know' what I was feeling and going through. If I didn't allow them in, to my world, and what was happening, then how or who was I expecting to give me support and allow me to try and focus on "my job" of working hard in therapy, in order to survive and find "my HOPE" in life. Therapy and my 'fight' took every ounce of energy I had, what little I had by now. So, it was explained, again and again to me, that by allowing my family to help with the little things, so I could fight the 'big things', they would be part of the solution. This would mean that some of THEIR fears would be allowed to be addressed also, as they were all going "to hell and back" with me. If I was scared and didn't understand what was going on, and what the outcome would be, try to think how NOT letting those closest to you, your family, to stand by helplessly by the sidelines and watch the 'self-destruction' of their complete family unit.
I know and realize it is one thing for me to say to others to try their best to allow their loved ones to help them, but I am talking from experience, and am hoping that by passing on this experience, it will help others to move forward faster on their own road to recovery during therapy and will find their own "light at the end of the tunnel", it IS there, trust me, and to find their own personal HOPE, which is the beginning of their own personal dreams and aspirations.
YOU CAN DO IT, I know you can. Continue to be BRAVE and COURAGEOUS as I know you are.
Thanks, Larry
I had a severe fear, and problem with "feelings" and dealing with and accepting them. I was totally numb to any and all feelings when I entered therapy. It was part of many years of numbing them, in order to survive and continue firefighting and living. This just happened, it was automatic, and I didn't have to try to do any of this, it was just my brains reaction I suppose to survive whatever I had seen and been through for many years as a firefighter.
My thinking was that if I tried to hide what I was feelling and going through, then everybody would think that I was okay, and things were normal. For years though, in my gradual decline, and denial, I thought I was doing a good job of trying to cover things up, so as not to worry my family, but also to protect them. I didn't realize just how much I had changed though, nevermind the inside, but on the outside. Nobody said anything though, or if they did, it wasn't to my knowledge. As I look back now though, things couldn't have been more obvious to all, and the only person that thought I was succeeding in covering things up so as to look and act 'normal', was me.
I'll just talk about one thing that I hid from my family, and everyone for that matter. Rather, I should say I 'thought' I hid from my family.
Endless tears, and crying uncontrollably. Yes, I'm not too proud now to say that I spent most days in neverending tears. I had deteriorated emotionally and was truly in a very 'fragile' state of mind.
I did everything in my power to hide my tears. I ran and hid at from my family at home, as well as having to have many strategies for hiding my many breakdowns at work. Obviously when at work, there were many other obvious risks I took with regards to getting 'caught' and suffering extreme embaressment. What the hell would you say to a bunch of macho tough firefighters who weren't suppose to cry, or in reality, be human.
I had so many ups and downs throughout the day, and it wouldn't be unusual for me to have upwards of probably between fifteen to twenty episodes of crying per day during my worst times. They obviously weren't all at home, but out in public places.
I did everything I could to avoid going out in public for fear of breaking down into tears. I had withdrew from venturing out as much as possible, and avoided any public contact with people as best I could. When forced to go out, to say get food, I always had to be ready to run out of the store and somehow avoid people who would see my tears. Quite the feeling as you could imagine.
At work, I had to find places to hide from my guys in order to hide when the tears flowed freely.
These episodes also came out of nowhere, blindsiding me as I say. For no particular reason, there they were.
At home, I would spend a great deal of time either running outside so my family wouldn't see me in tears, or as all too often would happen,trying to be as quiet as I could at night in bed, not sleeping, and crying uncontrollably into my pillow.
The most important lesson she (my psychologist) taught me was to share, share and share some more with my family. These were the people who were closest to me, yet I was keeping them as far away from me as possible. They were there to support me, as well as needing support themselves. In order for my family to help me, I had to allow them to 'know' what I was feeling and going through. If I didn't allow them in, to my world, and what was happening, then how or who was I expecting to give me support and allow me to try and focus on "my job" of working hard in therapy, in order to survive and find "my HOPE" in life. Therapy and my 'fight' took every ounce of energy I had, what little I had by now. So, it was explained, again and again to me, that by allowing my family to help with the little things, so I could fight the 'big things', they would be part of the solution. This would mean that some of THEIR fears would be allowed to be addressed also, as they were all going "to hell and back" with me. If I was scared and didn't understand what was going on, and what the outcome would be, try to think how NOT letting those closest to you, your family, to stand by helplessly by the sidelines and watch the 'self-destruction' of their complete family unit.
I know and realize it is one thing for me to say to others to try their best to allow their loved ones to help them, but I am talking from experience, and am hoping that by passing on this experience, it will help others to move forward faster on their own road to recovery during therapy and will find their own "light at the end of the tunnel", it IS there, trust me, and to find their own personal HOPE, which is the beginning of their own personal dreams and aspirations.
YOU CAN DO IT, I know you can. Continue to be BRAVE and COURAGEOUS as I know you are.
Thanks, Larry
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