As does everyone, I would do anything to protect my family. As I was taught, and had to learn though, by trying to protect my family from what I was going through with PTSD and other related symptoms, I was actually causing them more harm. This was a very tough lesson for me to learn though, and even though my psychologist explained this to me, many times, I still showed up in therapy with stories of ways that I hid what I was going through. Then, of course, she would patiently explain it to me, again, and again, to make me think, show me the reasons why I shouldn't hide what I was going through and feeling, in the hopes I would understand. This would be repeated to me for many many months.
I had a severe fear, and problem with "feelings" and dealing with and accepting them. I was totally numb to any and all feelings when I entered therapy. It was part of many years of numbing them, in order to survive and continue firefighting and living. This just happened, it was automatic, and I didn't have to try to do any of this, it was just my brains reaction I suppose to survive whatever I had seen and been through for many years as a firefighter.
My thinking was that if I tried to hide what I was feelling and going through, then everybody would think that I was okay, and things were normal. For years though, in my gradual decline, and denial, I thought I was doing a good job of trying to cover things up, so as not to worry my family, but also to protect them. I didn't realize just how much I had changed though, nevermind the inside, but on the outside. Nobody said anything though, or if they did, it wasn't to my knowledge. As I look back now though, things couldn't have been more obvious to all, and the only person that thought I was succeeding in covering things up so as to look and act 'normal', was me.
I'll just talk about one thing that I hid from my family, and everyone for that matter. Rather, I should say I 'thought' I hid from my family.
Endless tears, and crying uncontrollably. Yes, I'm not too proud now to say that I spent most days in neverending tears. I had deteriorated emotionally and was truly in a very 'fragile' state of mind.
I did everything in my power to hide my tears. I ran and hid at from my family at home, as well as having to have many strategies for hiding my many breakdowns at work. Obviously when at work, there were many other obvious risks I took with regards to getting 'caught' and suffering extreme embaressment. What the hell would you say to a bunch of macho tough firefighters who weren't suppose to cry, or in reality, be human.
I had so many ups and downs throughout the day, and it wouldn't be unusual for me to have upwards of probably between fifteen to twenty episodes of crying per day during my worst times. They obviously weren't all at home, but out in public places.
I did everything I could to avoid going out in public for fear of breaking down into tears. I had withdrew from venturing out as much as possible, and avoided any public contact with people as best I could. When forced to go out, to say get food, I always had to be ready to run out of the store and somehow avoid people who would see my tears. Quite the feeling as you could imagine.
At work, I had to find places to hide from my guys in order to hide when the tears flowed freely.
These episodes also came out of nowhere, blindsiding me as I say. For no particular reason, there they were.
At home, I would spend a great deal of time either running outside so my family wouldn't see me in tears, or as all too often would happen,trying to be as quiet as I could at night in bed, not sleeping, and crying uncontrollably into my pillow.
The most important lesson she (my psychologist) taught me was to share, share and share some more with my family. These were the people who were closest to me, yet I was keeping them as far away from me as possible. They were there to support me, as well as needing support themselves. In order for my family to help me, I had to allow them to 'know' what I was feeling and going through. If I didn't allow them in, to my world, and what was happening, then how or who was I expecting to give me support and allow me to try and focus on "my job" of working hard in therapy, in order to survive and find "my HOPE" in life. Therapy and my 'fight' took every ounce of energy I had, what little I had by now. So, it was explained, again and again to me, that by allowing my family to help with the little things, so I could fight the 'big things', they would be part of the solution. This would mean that some of THEIR fears would be allowed to be addressed also, as they were all going "to hell and back" with me. If I was scared and didn't understand what was going on, and what the outcome would be, try to think how NOT letting those closest to you, your family, to stand by helplessly by the sidelines and watch the 'self-destruction' of their complete family unit.
I know and realize it is one thing for me to say to others to try their best to allow their loved ones to help them, but I am talking from experience, and am hoping that by passing on this experience, it will help others to move forward faster on their own road to recovery during therapy and will find their own "light at the end of the tunnel", it IS there, trust me, and to find their own personal HOPE, which is the beginning of their own personal dreams and aspirations.
YOU CAN DO IT, I know you can. Continue to be BRAVE and COURAGEOUS as I know you are.
Thanks, Larry
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
FirefightersStory-Why Am I Doing This?
I feel compelled to write this short message, and my goal here is to elaborate on a few points due to circumstances that have taken place quietly behind the scenes shall we say.I have been working very hard quietly on this forum by trying to shed light for others with regards to showing,and reinforcing the message that there is HOPE in others future who might be suffering as I did with mental illness.. I do this by writing my story and trying to shed some light on what I went through so that others will see that they are 'normal' in experiencing their feelings through their turbulent times they are facing. These messages of HOPE, are meant to inspire, and comfort others. With regards to what I am also trying to accomplish, I am also very committed in my resolve, and my intention has always been, and will never waiver in my quest to help my fellow firefighters, which has, and continues to be a very daunting task, due to many complicated reasons and issues I am faced with. I MUST say a few things, to try and reiterate and explain why I am so strongly committed to writing, and answering peoples comments,which is my contribution to hopefully helping others. As I said, it is a very complicated and "restrictive" situation that I am faced with, but that does not mean that my resolve to help others is in ANYWAY doubtful in my mind. I BELIEVE in what I am trying to do for others, and am truly grateful for the opportunity I have been given, not only by being alive after my ongoing struggles, but also by being accepted and by being priviledged to have access to this truly wonderful site.
I have been doing alot of soul searching, so to speak. I now know that I am faced with a monumental task in order to try and erase not only the many stigmas, but also the denials by some that we need a proper program in place that is run by qualified professionals, with care that is all encompassing such as was afforded to me. The "denial" I am speaking about and relating to MUST NEVER be confused with the denial by those that are trying to come to grips with their problems, as that is a completely separate situation altogether and again MUST NOT AND NEVER BE confused with the following statements, or observations that follow.
Those that should and must know better, whom we rely on to put those of us who suffer, or who have suffered, FIRST, need to be educated in as timely a manner as possible to be open to proper care and programs as they are suppose to be the people who look out for us, whom we rely on for our "protection" and help in our time of need. To deny, or to not provide a "voice" for us, is beyond comprehension, and in fact makes me quite disillusioned to say the least.
Some who read this might understand what I am saying, but I would also like to relate another personal story with reference to a hero of mine, General Romeo Dallaire, which follows.
Where am I going with this? First, a brief recollection. Not too long after I entered therapy, going through hell, I decided I wanted to try and read about a geuine hero, who suffered from something that I had, PTSD. I looked to this man, and up to this man.I knew nobody else who had this, and I was searching for some understanding, and some answers. I needed to know everything. What he went through, how he got it, to see if his story and its effects on him would relate in anyway to what I was going through. I felt so alone, as well as numerous other terrible fears and emotions as I have touched on before.
I was looking for answers to my fears, and answers to what lay ahead for me. I was also looking for a conclusion, to see how I would turn out. I looked to this man for HOPE! We know he suffered from PTSD, but also, there was so much more.
I have been doing alot of soul searching, so to speak. I now know that I am faced with a monumental task in order to try and erase not only the many stigmas, but also the denials by some that we need a proper program in place that is run by qualified professionals, with care that is all encompassing such as was afforded to me. The "denial" I am speaking about and relating to MUST NEVER be confused with the denial by those that are trying to come to grips with their problems, as that is a completely separate situation altogether and again MUST NOT AND NEVER BE confused with the following statements, or observations that follow.
Those that should and must know better, whom we rely on to put those of us who suffer, or who have suffered, FIRST, need to be educated in as timely a manner as possible to be open to proper care and programs as they are suppose to be the people who look out for us, whom we rely on for our "protection" and help in our time of need. To deny, or to not provide a "voice" for us, is beyond comprehension, and in fact makes me quite disillusioned to say the least.
Some who read this might understand what I am saying, but I would also like to relate another personal story with reference to a hero of mine, General Romeo Dallaire, which follows.
Where am I going with this? First, a brief recollection. Not too long after I entered therapy, going through hell, I decided I wanted to try and read about a geuine hero, who suffered from something that I had, PTSD. I looked to this man, and up to this man.I knew nobody else who had this, and I was searching for some understanding, and some answers. I needed to know everything. What he went through, how he got it, to see if his story and its effects on him would relate in anyway to what I was going through. I felt so alone, as well as numerous other terrible fears and emotions as I have touched on before.
I was looking for answers to my fears, and answers to what lay ahead for me. I was also looking for a conclusion, to see how I would turn out. I looked to this man for HOPE! We know he suffered from PTSD, but also, there was so much more.
To me, and many others, General Dallaire was a pioneer, a soldiers soldier. He did get help for his illness, PTSD. He believed in his soldiers. He protected his soldiers.His soldiers came FIRST! He helped his soldiers by putting them before the disbelievers, the uneducated with regards to mental illness, and the proper care and help they deserved. He led by example, in that he was not afraid to acknowledge that, yes, he had PTSD. He started something that helped his men and women. There might have been those that were denying there was a problem, specifically, acknowledgement of those with PTSD, but he also strongly believed in the need for getting help for his men and women, and battling on to adopt a proper program for the needs of his soldiers. They were his concern, not the disbelievers who would look the other way, or forget where they came from. He never gave up, no matter what the consequences!
Nor will I.
My psychologist and I talk constantly, still.(always will too!) She reminded and relayed to me the unfortunate episode with regards to the General, a possible parallel. I have a PARK BENCH waiting for me with my name on it, as General Dallaire did. Many will understand what I am saying, and for those that do not, you will have to wait, as will I, to explain.
I told her that yes, I also have "my bench" with my name on it, and that I understood this. I hope to avoid it, BUT, that I knew she would find me, or I would call her as I was sitting, and would wait for her, and we would talk quietly. I look forward to that chat, and we can start the fight again.
I can sum this all up by saying that, "When you hear the call, you can't ignore it, no matter what the cost."
I will conclude with that message, and will try to write for others again today, but forgive me please if I do not write more today,as I have said before, I know my limitations, and I might be done for today.
Thanks, Larry
Sunday, September 21, 2008
FirefightersStory-Why I HAD to Enter Therapy
I remember all too well just how low I was, and had slid away from everyone around me. There was a state of total confusion in our household. My family, who loved me the most, and I them, were the people furthest from me. My wife was screaming inside, desperate for me to get help, in order that somehow it would save our family, and me. My kids had no understanding of what was going on. How could anyone expect my three young girls to understand something that my wife and myself as adults couldn't understand. Everyone was reeling with anger, and we were self destructing. My family , and myself included, all found a way to avoid each other, in order to survive from me and all the 'problems' , symptoms that I was exhibiting, and had, and thus caused. A tremendous feeling of guilt had overcome me by this time.
We all enter therapy for our own reasons. My reasons, I'm sure were similar to others, a combination of many things all culminating in my decision to start and embrace my therapy.
My whole world had hit rock bottom. I was scared with the choice that had been forced upon me. I say forced, because I had played all the cards I had in my hand, so to speak. I was lost, and would, and was, losing my family. My "avoidance" wasn't working. My family had collapsed as a "family unit" and was non existant. My wife and kids were going to leave me, their decision was already made, though at the time, I didn't realize that if I didn't change somehow, this is what was about to happen. My family was still holding onto THEIR HOPE that I would realize, by myself, that all of our existance together was so desperate and bleak that I would make that "lifesaving decision" and take the next step for ALL of us! Intensive, specialized treatment.
I had sought treatment though after I was trapped in the fire that I came so close to dying in. I had done everything that I knew to survive, cope, and yes, to avoid. I was running on empty. I had nothing left inside me that would allow me to change anything. I thought that because I had already sought help, that this was as good as it was going to get. Absolutely, perfectly, miserable! This was a nightmare, for everyone involved, literally and figuratively.
There were many symptoms I was experiencing now, and all were raging full force. My whole body was on a heightened state of "alertness". The nightmares that had plagued me for years had increased tenfold by now. This was when I got any sleep at all, which was extremely rare, and even while on medication to knock me out, to give me a brief respite from the nightmare that I was living. Ya, and that really worked well!! NOT!
I don't know how I didn't overdose on the sleeping pills , nerve pills, and combination of both that I was taking just to get maybe an hours sleep, as I had been doing for years, and getting more desperate to try and get rid of my nightmares. I was terrified of sleeping though, because I knew what I had to look forward to. Sheer terror, vivid real life and in color movies of those two prominent traumatic incidents/fires that were the focus of my being now. Not a minute went by that somehow, I didn't find myself replaying, and reliving those two incidents. Awake, asleep, didn't matter, images, sights and sounds of a movie playing over and over in my brain. When I did manage to fall asleep, my wife would often be awakened to me screaming at the top of my lungs. It sounds like a cliche, but this is true, awakened to blood curdling screams. I would bolt upright, screaming, sweating, hyperventilating, and very confused and extremely scared because I wouldn't know where the hell I was, or what had just happened. That was it for the rest of the night as I would have to stay awake for the rest of the night and stay busy in order to not fall asleep, as if that was going to happen, but I would end up sitting up in a chair in the livingroom, and crying uncontrollably. Other times, when I did manage to fall asleep, I would end up disturbing her sleep by twitching, shaking, or as she says, flip flop and rock and rolling. There were times that I would be asleep, dreaming, and breathing at a very rapid rate and twitching. Other times, you did everything you could to wake up and stop the nightmares, as you would be saying to yourself that this is horrific, wake up , stop it, all subconsciously of course, but to no avail.
This is just some of what was going on, and why I had to enter therapy. I will continue next sunday, as I must end it here and quit, as I have said before, I know my limitations, and again this has been very difficult to write about as it is still extremely raw and emotional, as well as draining for me. Maybe you will be able to relate to some of what I have written here, and if you do, then please remember one thing, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
Thanks, Larry
We all enter therapy for our own reasons. My reasons, I'm sure were similar to others, a combination of many things all culminating in my decision to start and embrace my therapy.
My whole world had hit rock bottom. I was scared with the choice that had been forced upon me. I say forced, because I had played all the cards I had in my hand, so to speak. I was lost, and would, and was, losing my family. My "avoidance" wasn't working. My family had collapsed as a "family unit" and was non existant. My wife and kids were going to leave me, their decision was already made, though at the time, I didn't realize that if I didn't change somehow, this is what was about to happen. My family was still holding onto THEIR HOPE that I would realize, by myself, that all of our existance together was so desperate and bleak that I would make that "lifesaving decision" and take the next step for ALL of us! Intensive, specialized treatment.
I had sought treatment though after I was trapped in the fire that I came so close to dying in. I had done everything that I knew to survive, cope, and yes, to avoid. I was running on empty. I had nothing left inside me that would allow me to change anything. I thought that because I had already sought help, that this was as good as it was going to get. Absolutely, perfectly, miserable! This was a nightmare, for everyone involved, literally and figuratively.
There were many symptoms I was experiencing now, and all were raging full force. My whole body was on a heightened state of "alertness". The nightmares that had plagued me for years had increased tenfold by now. This was when I got any sleep at all, which was extremely rare, and even while on medication to knock me out, to give me a brief respite from the nightmare that I was living. Ya, and that really worked well!! NOT!
I don't know how I didn't overdose on the sleeping pills , nerve pills, and combination of both that I was taking just to get maybe an hours sleep, as I had been doing for years, and getting more desperate to try and get rid of my nightmares. I was terrified of sleeping though, because I knew what I had to look forward to. Sheer terror, vivid real life and in color movies of those two prominent traumatic incidents/fires that were the focus of my being now. Not a minute went by that somehow, I didn't find myself replaying, and reliving those two incidents. Awake, asleep, didn't matter, images, sights and sounds of a movie playing over and over in my brain. When I did manage to fall asleep, my wife would often be awakened to me screaming at the top of my lungs. It sounds like a cliche, but this is true, awakened to blood curdling screams. I would bolt upright, screaming, sweating, hyperventilating, and very confused and extremely scared because I wouldn't know where the hell I was, or what had just happened. That was it for the rest of the night as I would have to stay awake for the rest of the night and stay busy in order to not fall asleep, as if that was going to happen, but I would end up sitting up in a chair in the livingroom, and crying uncontrollably. Other times, when I did manage to fall asleep, I would end up disturbing her sleep by twitching, shaking, or as she says, flip flop and rock and rolling. There were times that I would be asleep, dreaming, and breathing at a very rapid rate and twitching. Other times, you did everything you could to wake up and stop the nightmares, as you would be saying to yourself that this is horrific, wake up , stop it, all subconsciously of course, but to no avail.
This is just some of what was going on, and why I had to enter therapy. I will continue next sunday, as I must end it here and quit, as I have said before, I know my limitations, and again this has been very difficult to write about as it is still extremely raw and emotional, as well as draining for me. Maybe you will be able to relate to some of what I have written here, and if you do, then please remember one thing, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
Thanks, Larry
Sunday, September 14, 2008
FirefightersStory-PTSD Affects the Whole Family
Having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was accompanied by alot of other side effects and symptoms. Major depression, nightmares, flashbacks, night terrors, sleep deprivation, lack of interest and withdrawing from everyone, and more, but we'll keep the "more" for another time. These are just some of my symptoms that made up and contributed to my helplessness. And these symptoms also had other spinoff symptoms as I will refer to them. They all contributed to my life being totally out of control at the best of times, and making my family life totally non existant, and I felt like I was always in a state of "living hell!" If I couldn't control what was going on, and what I was doing, what was happening to me, and what I was experiencing on a daily and nightly basis, well, I still cannot totally understand how my family must've felt, as their lives were in just as much turmoil and kaos as a result of my illness, and it was their lives that were also turned upside down. I would even go so far as to say that we had no life, in that they had lost me, a husband to my wife, and a father to my girls, and I lost them, as they wanted little to do with me because of the way I was acting, and the way my PTSD symptoms changed me so profoundly. And I don't blame them for feeling that way, as we were in a "living hell!".
There were so many times that I wanted to leave, as I felt so guilty for ruining their lives, and they didn't deserve to go through this, as the patient(me) is obviously not the only one affected, but the whole family. I wasn't the only one that had to keep what I was going through a secret from anyone I came in contact with, be it work, relatives etc. my family also had to hide what was going on with me, and them, because they too didn't want any of their friends to know just how miserable it was in our house. From the outside it looked like we were a normal family, but on the inside, well not so normal to say the least. My family didn't want to invite any of their friends, family to our house because of the "fear and embarressment" they all felt. Who would want to bring anyone over and risk me having an "episode" or acting and saying something that would embarress them.
The point I am trying to make, albeit it in a broad roundabout way, and by telling you a bit about how my family was affected, is that sometimes, things happened that came out of nowhere, sending you into a state of panic, scaring the hell out of you, and all your family see's is the effects it has on you, such as running out of the house, in tears, jumping in the truck, and leaving without telling them what had just happened, because they wouldn't understand,(this was pre-therapy) and driving to get away from everyone, and of course with the cell phone off so nobody could reach me as I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to get away. Sound familiar to any of you??? Maybe I'm the only one who has done things or felt like this?? You tell me. I had many episodes like this, what I called "getting slammed". Out of nowhere, I would be hit with a vision, memory, reliving a "messy" fire call , a call that was so vivid and in living color, so real you'd swear you were actually there again, and thinking and feeling like you were so out of control, and were going "nuts"! When these particular types of events(flashbacks) happened, there was no way to stop them, and you would replay it over and over no matter what you might try to do to avoid or stop them. And they would always end the same way, in a horrifically messy ending with loss of life or lives in my case, a vivid image burned into my memory, never to be forgotten, as I relived fire calls that were like that, and which I had kept to myself and never told anyone that it was bothering me, or I was having problems dealing with it, because as I have said, you just didn't talk about that stuff because that would mean you weren't "tough" and it showed you had a weakness, and others would question your abilities and capabilities on the job. Stigmatisms at its finest, right!?
This was just a small glimpse into some of what we went through and experienced together as a family, and how a mental illness affects more than just the patient.
I will end it here, as this was hard to divulge, very personal, and exhausting for me, and as I said before, I know my limitations now and when it's time to take a break.
Till next sunday, and I welcome your comments, Larry
There were so many times that I wanted to leave, as I felt so guilty for ruining their lives, and they didn't deserve to go through this, as the patient(me) is obviously not the only one affected, but the whole family. I wasn't the only one that had to keep what I was going through a secret from anyone I came in contact with, be it work, relatives etc. my family also had to hide what was going on with me, and them, because they too didn't want any of their friends to know just how miserable it was in our house. From the outside it looked like we were a normal family, but on the inside, well not so normal to say the least. My family didn't want to invite any of their friends, family to our house because of the "fear and embarressment" they all felt. Who would want to bring anyone over and risk me having an "episode" or acting and saying something that would embarress them.
The point I am trying to make, albeit it in a broad roundabout way, and by telling you a bit about how my family was affected, is that sometimes, things happened that came out of nowhere, sending you into a state of panic, scaring the hell out of you, and all your family see's is the effects it has on you, such as running out of the house, in tears, jumping in the truck, and leaving without telling them what had just happened, because they wouldn't understand,(this was pre-therapy) and driving to get away from everyone, and of course with the cell phone off so nobody could reach me as I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to get away. Sound familiar to any of you??? Maybe I'm the only one who has done things or felt like this?? You tell me. I had many episodes like this, what I called "getting slammed". Out of nowhere, I would be hit with a vision, memory, reliving a "messy" fire call , a call that was so vivid and in living color, so real you'd swear you were actually there again, and thinking and feeling like you were so out of control, and were going "nuts"! When these particular types of events(flashbacks) happened, there was no way to stop them, and you would replay it over and over no matter what you might try to do to avoid or stop them. And they would always end the same way, in a horrifically messy ending with loss of life or lives in my case, a vivid image burned into my memory, never to be forgotten, as I relived fire calls that were like that, and which I had kept to myself and never told anyone that it was bothering me, or I was having problems dealing with it, because as I have said, you just didn't talk about that stuff because that would mean you weren't "tough" and it showed you had a weakness, and others would question your abilities and capabilities on the job. Stigmatisms at its finest, right!?
This was just a small glimpse into some of what we went through and experienced together as a family, and how a mental illness affects more than just the patient.
I will end it here, as this was hard to divulge, very personal, and exhausting for me, and as I said before, I know my limitations now and when it's time to take a break.
Till next sunday, and I welcome your comments, Larry
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Firefighters Story - Stigmatism
I am going to touch briefly on stigmatism in this writing. As we all know, there is an endless amount of stories and examples of stigmatism that surround being 1 in 5 and having a mental health issue. I will write extensively about this subject, now and in future writings, as there are too many examples and details to be covered in just one writing. The reason I feel the need to touch on this subject in this writing, is that AGAIN this week I was "labelled" as I will call it. I can say, from past experiences, and there are many, is that it really really hurts! We who are 1 in 5 know this all too well. This is one of the many reasons I continue to write about mental health, as the issue of stigmatism needs to be addressed and changed, immediately, and everyone, patients and the public must realize this. By speaking openly, honestly, we can try to change this. It MUST change and in order to do this the public must be educated, and this campaign to raise awareness is a start.
As someone who has a mental illness, and I say "has" because as my doctor says, I am still "fresh" in my recovery, I, like others, am sick and tired of all the stupid often very degrading comments. Speaking from experience, everytime I heard someone try to make light of having a mental condition, it had a profound effect on my recovery while in therapy. While in therapy, and a long time prior to beginning therapy, when I kept my problems a "secret" from everyone in order NOT to be labelled and ostrasized, I was extremely terrified of being made fun of and being thought of as being beneath others because I did have a mental health issue and was very sick. This still continues now, and as if we(patients-those afflicted) don't have enough to worry about, the last thing we all need is to be labelled unfairly and dragged down due to peoples total ignorance.
In my opinion, and I'm fairly certain this is shared very widely, the public needs and has to be educated and the awareness raised significantly regarding mental health issues. That's why the campaign with Mr Alfredsson and the "1 in 5" and "You Know Who I Am" is so important.
I know that I was really scared after being diagnosed, and for a number of reasons that you might relate to. The great unknown, as in my total lack of education and understanding of mental health, and what was wrong with me once I was diagnosed. I was reeling from my diagnosis because I didn't know or understand not only what it meant for me and my future, but also there was this scary question I asked myself of "Am I going to be okay?", What's going to happen to me now?, and How am I going to be able to handle all of my problems I was experiencing?", but I also thought to myself that if I thought I was alone before, now I'm really alone, because if it ever transpired that people found out (all of the fire department did in my case) that I was sick with a mental health issue, they would run away from me as fast as they could because of the words "mental health sickness or issue".
I think that people make jokes about people with mental health issues or sickness because of their ignorance, the great unknown, and because they are scared. You often hear people saying derogatory remarks about "being off your meds" and many more just like it. They have this picture that society has helped to foster, and it is engrained in peoples minds about someone "losing it" and going off like a cannon, or being unsafe due to the patient/person being totally unpredicatble and dangerous. It is this lack of knowledge and stereotypical picture that has been painted regarding the whole realm of mental health that can/has helped to further destoy our lives(us who are 1 in 5), and our families also.
From my experience, family members, friends, co-workers distance themselves from you. They don't know how to handle you, what to say, how to act, and I'm sure you could come up with alot more of your own reasons from your own individual experiences.
This boils down to and culminates in, but is not limited to, a great deal of lack of knowledge about someone who is afflicted with a mental health issue/condition, having the wrong perception, which has been fostered by this lack of knowledge, and where false information has been spread and has grown out of control. Rumors about me were/are abundant, unfortunately.
This misinformation has obviously helped to ruin many lives that I'm sure could have been helped and saved, with proper treatment, but were cut short due to despair, feeling alone in your/their/our battle, helplessness and a life without the perception of any HOPE. A life that feels like it is totally out of control. Unfortunately, while at work as a firefighter, I have had too many experiences and contact with families/friends/and spouses that have found their loved one after they have committed suicide due to a lack of HOPE in their lives, but also because of the many stigmatisms prevalent in todays society due to the lack of knowledge, and fear associated with mental health, and often prevent people who need help to seek out and ask for that help.
The stigma of having a mental health issue is often more than people can deal with, as they perceive that all is lost and there is no HOPE or reason to continue and there is nothing left to live for. Their lives are out of control, and they feel helpless.
This has to change, and this is just one of my objectives and intentions by coming forward publically, sharing my story, talking about my experiences as a 1 in 5 in order to help raise the awareness surrounding this great unknown that we call "mental health". I am very HOPEFUL that we will begin to chip away at the mountain of false information and the many "stigmas" that are associated with mental health, in order to encourage people to ask for help, or families of people who think their loved one needs help.
I really truly believe that this needs to be done, by talking and raising awareness through the "You know who I am" campaign. I'm hoping that by reading this compillation of thoughts/experiences that I have been through, and write about each week, that it will cause you, your families and your friends to learn from my experiences, which will then reassure you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!! THERE IS HOPE!!! I HOPE you can/will trust me when I say this to you. Please believe me,, but most importantly, BELIEVE in yourself, because you are worth it, you can overcome and get better, and succeed!! Don't be afraid or ashamed of asking for help. You have to take care of yourself first, ask for help, and you too can get better. There will always be ignorant people who don't understand, or choose not to understand what we are going through, and YES , it will be hard, and it will hurt sometimes, but never ever forget that there is HOPE !!
Thanks, Larry
As someone who has a mental illness, and I say "has" because as my doctor says, I am still "fresh" in my recovery, I, like others, am sick and tired of all the stupid often very degrading comments. Speaking from experience, everytime I heard someone try to make light of having a mental condition, it had a profound effect on my recovery while in therapy. While in therapy, and a long time prior to beginning therapy, when I kept my problems a "secret" from everyone in order NOT to be labelled and ostrasized, I was extremely terrified of being made fun of and being thought of as being beneath others because I did have a mental health issue and was very sick. This still continues now, and as if we(patients-those afflicted) don't have enough to worry about, the last thing we all need is to be labelled unfairly and dragged down due to peoples total ignorance.
In my opinion, and I'm fairly certain this is shared very widely, the public needs and has to be educated and the awareness raised significantly regarding mental health issues. That's why the campaign with Mr Alfredsson and the "1 in 5" and "You Know Who I Am" is so important.
I know that I was really scared after being diagnosed, and for a number of reasons that you might relate to. The great unknown, as in my total lack of education and understanding of mental health, and what was wrong with me once I was diagnosed. I was reeling from my diagnosis because I didn't know or understand not only what it meant for me and my future, but also there was this scary question I asked myself of "Am I going to be okay?", What's going to happen to me now?, and How am I going to be able to handle all of my problems I was experiencing?", but I also thought to myself that if I thought I was alone before, now I'm really alone, because if it ever transpired that people found out (all of the fire department did in my case) that I was sick with a mental health issue, they would run away from me as fast as they could because of the words "mental health sickness or issue".
I think that people make jokes about people with mental health issues or sickness because of their ignorance, the great unknown, and because they are scared. You often hear people saying derogatory remarks about "being off your meds" and many more just like it. They have this picture that society has helped to foster, and it is engrained in peoples minds about someone "losing it" and going off like a cannon, or being unsafe due to the patient/person being totally unpredicatble and dangerous. It is this lack of knowledge and stereotypical picture that has been painted regarding the whole realm of mental health that can/has helped to further destoy our lives(us who are 1 in 5), and our families also.
From my experience, family members, friends, co-workers distance themselves from you. They don't know how to handle you, what to say, how to act, and I'm sure you could come up with alot more of your own reasons from your own individual experiences.
This boils down to and culminates in, but is not limited to, a great deal of lack of knowledge about someone who is afflicted with a mental health issue/condition, having the wrong perception, which has been fostered by this lack of knowledge, and where false information has been spread and has grown out of control. Rumors about me were/are abundant, unfortunately.
This misinformation has obviously helped to ruin many lives that I'm sure could have been helped and saved, with proper treatment, but were cut short due to despair, feeling alone in your/their/our battle, helplessness and a life without the perception of any HOPE. A life that feels like it is totally out of control. Unfortunately, while at work as a firefighter, I have had too many experiences and contact with families/friends/and spouses that have found their loved one after they have committed suicide due to a lack of HOPE in their lives, but also because of the many stigmatisms prevalent in todays society due to the lack of knowledge, and fear associated with mental health, and often prevent people who need help to seek out and ask for that help.
The stigma of having a mental health issue is often more than people can deal with, as they perceive that all is lost and there is no HOPE or reason to continue and there is nothing left to live for. Their lives are out of control, and they feel helpless.
This has to change, and this is just one of my objectives and intentions by coming forward publically, sharing my story, talking about my experiences as a 1 in 5 in order to help raise the awareness surrounding this great unknown that we call "mental health". I am very HOPEFUL that we will begin to chip away at the mountain of false information and the many "stigmas" that are associated with mental health, in order to encourage people to ask for help, or families of people who think their loved one needs help.
I really truly believe that this needs to be done, by talking and raising awareness through the "You know who I am" campaign. I'm hoping that by reading this compillation of thoughts/experiences that I have been through, and write about each week, that it will cause you, your families and your friends to learn from my experiences, which will then reassure you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!! THERE IS HOPE!!! I HOPE you can/will trust me when I say this to you. Please believe me,, but most importantly, BELIEVE in yourself, because you are worth it, you can overcome and get better, and succeed!! Don't be afraid or ashamed of asking for help. You have to take care of yourself first, ask for help, and you too can get better. There will always be ignorant people who don't understand, or choose not to understand what we are going through, and YES , it will be hard, and it will hurt sometimes, but never ever forget that there is HOPE !!
Thanks, Larry
Sunday, August 31, 2008
FirefightersStory-I Want To Give You HOPE!!!
I'm feeling very inspirational and am going to deviate slightly from continnuing where I left off, and am going to try my best to hopefully inspire you too with what I have to say !! There are many reasons that I am writing my story publically, and this is another very big reason. HOPE !! That's the message I want to get out and spread. The word "HOPE"!!
We all need HOPE in our lives, but I can tell you from experience with being 1 in 5 that I had ABSOLUTELY NO HOPE whatsoever in my life until it was finally acknowledged by my doctor(s) that I had serious mental health issues as a result of my job as a firefighter,(finally someone believed me) AND that I was finally going to receive the proper care. This care included my primary psychologist,(she is the greatest and no amount of praise I can give her will ever be enoough!), psychiatrist, as well as family counselling and individual counselling for my eldest daughter.
At the darkest times leading up to the start of my therapy, as I said, I could not see or "feel" any HOPE in my life at all. The lack of any HOPE was probably the biggest contributing factor relating to a very deep depression that I had fallen into. Depression was just one of my symptoms that I was suffering from though.
It wasn't that I had to be taught that there was HOPE for me, but I had to be shown through various examples, and a great many times it was through repetition that she confirmed and reassured me that this word and feeling of HOPE that she spoke of was indeed out there, and within my grasp through working with her in therapy! Therapy was the toughest battle of my life, in order to regain my life!! I dove right into therapy though, as should everyone, as it's what's at the end of the battle that's all worth it. We regain our lives that were totally lost.
We each have our own symptoms, as we are each obviously very different individuals, patients, but we are all linked by the common bond of being 1 in 5. I use the word "bond" very proudly now as a matter of a fact, as having this common bond hopefully will allow you to trust me in what I say and write. I have told my doctor many times that, "Unless you've walked a mile in my shoes, people have no idea about what I am going through, or have gone through!" It is for this reason that I say that this special bond we have as 1 in 5 is truly an issue of "trusting" each other. It is for this reason also that you have to trust your own doctors or team of doctors such as I had, and as you might also have. This is why I am HOPING you will allow me to encourage you in what I have to say here on this forum.
Knowing and having someone to talk to, relate to, believe in, confide in and also to trust another who has "been there, seen it, done it" was, and still is very important to me personally. My doctor and myself have a very close working relationship that was and is built on trust. She has the experience that I needed, and thus I trusted her implicitly when I began therapy. She was the only one that was able to keep me going and give me my "HOPE". In the beginning, I had this feeling that I was totally alone in my battle, that I was the only person that had problems such as myself. It sounds unreasonable to think that way now, but at the time, as I said, I was so alone and scared , that in my mind, (my neighbourhood) there was no other person in the whole world that would understand, empathize, relate to me, or be able to understand me and what I was facing and experiencing. In my mind it wasn't possible for another human being to be going through what I was going through. Remember, as I said before, I wasn't "normal" anymore, so nobody would be able to understand or deal with me and what I was going through. Not so in reality, but remember, at that time, that's how I felt. Maybe you do too? Think about it for a minute please. Does it sound familiar, or something you might have thought about to yourself?? Maybe it has crossed your mind, as it did mine, over and over.
If you do happen to feel that way, I really know what you're going through, and I am hoping as I said, you might be able to trust me also, as someone who's "been there, seen it, done it!" I HOPE you will be also be able to somehow relate to me in some small way, believe and be encouraged by what I say so that you will believe in yourself, your therapy, and go forward and work hard in therapy and succeed and regain your life as I and others have prior to yourself.
So, in conclusion for now, remember and never forget that there is HOPE for us all. Have faith in yourself, therapy, therapists, and please trust me when I say to you as 1 in 5 not to delay your own therapy, as scared as you might be, you're only delaying your recovery and regaining your life back, and with the life you get back, you will also get back an abundance of HOPE, which is what your life will also be filled with!
Thanks, till next week, Larry
We all need HOPE in our lives, but I can tell you from experience with being 1 in 5 that I had ABSOLUTELY NO HOPE whatsoever in my life until it was finally acknowledged by my doctor(s) that I had serious mental health issues as a result of my job as a firefighter,(finally someone believed me) AND that I was finally going to receive the proper care. This care included my primary psychologist,(she is the greatest and no amount of praise I can give her will ever be enoough!), psychiatrist, as well as family counselling and individual counselling for my eldest daughter.
At the darkest times leading up to the start of my therapy, as I said, I could not see or "feel" any HOPE in my life at all. The lack of any HOPE was probably the biggest contributing factor relating to a very deep depression that I had fallen into. Depression was just one of my symptoms that I was suffering from though.
It wasn't that I had to be taught that there was HOPE for me, but I had to be shown through various examples, and a great many times it was through repetition that she confirmed and reassured me that this word and feeling of HOPE that she spoke of was indeed out there, and within my grasp through working with her in therapy! Therapy was the toughest battle of my life, in order to regain my life!! I dove right into therapy though, as should everyone, as it's what's at the end of the battle that's all worth it. We regain our lives that were totally lost.
We each have our own symptoms, as we are each obviously very different individuals, patients, but we are all linked by the common bond of being 1 in 5. I use the word "bond" very proudly now as a matter of a fact, as having this common bond hopefully will allow you to trust me in what I say and write. I have told my doctor many times that, "Unless you've walked a mile in my shoes, people have no idea about what I am going through, or have gone through!" It is for this reason that I say that this special bond we have as 1 in 5 is truly an issue of "trusting" each other. It is for this reason also that you have to trust your own doctors or team of doctors such as I had, and as you might also have. This is why I am HOPING you will allow me to encourage you in what I have to say here on this forum.
Knowing and having someone to talk to, relate to, believe in, confide in and also to trust another who has "been there, seen it, done it" was, and still is very important to me personally. My doctor and myself have a very close working relationship that was and is built on trust. She has the experience that I needed, and thus I trusted her implicitly when I began therapy. She was the only one that was able to keep me going and give me my "HOPE". In the beginning, I had this feeling that I was totally alone in my battle, that I was the only person that had problems such as myself. It sounds unreasonable to think that way now, but at the time, as I said, I was so alone and scared , that in my mind, (my neighbourhood) there was no other person in the whole world that would understand, empathize, relate to me, or be able to understand me and what I was facing and experiencing. In my mind it wasn't possible for another human being to be going through what I was going through. Remember, as I said before, I wasn't "normal" anymore, so nobody would be able to understand or deal with me and what I was going through. Not so in reality, but remember, at that time, that's how I felt. Maybe you do too? Think about it for a minute please. Does it sound familiar, or something you might have thought about to yourself?? Maybe it has crossed your mind, as it did mine, over and over.
If you do happen to feel that way, I really know what you're going through, and I am hoping as I said, you might be able to trust me also, as someone who's "been there, seen it, done it!" I HOPE you will be also be able to somehow relate to me in some small way, believe and be encouraged by what I say so that you will believe in yourself, your therapy, and go forward and work hard in therapy and succeed and regain your life as I and others have prior to yourself.
So, in conclusion for now, remember and never forget that there is HOPE for us all. Have faith in yourself, therapy, therapists, and please trust me when I say to you as 1 in 5 not to delay your own therapy, as scared as you might be, you're only delaying your recovery and regaining your life back, and with the life you get back, you will also get back an abundance of HOPE, which is what your life will also be filled with!
Thanks, till next week, Larry
Sunday, August 24, 2008
FirefightersStory-Starting My Downward Spiral
I have hid so much, from so many. It is very emotionally draining for me to try to explain here on this very public forum, and I have to admit that I am very scared about revealing such personal thoughts and feelings I have felt and struggled with in my "journey to hell and back". It's all true though, and I am hoping that by telling you all, it will be an education for you, to give you strength and learn from my experiences and what I have felt and gone through so you will realize that you are not alone.
Since this will be hard for me, I know, and very lengthy, I'm sure, as there are so many symptoms, feelings and emotions that I went through, I will try to list and explain them to you and for you, and then write small pieces about each and how it played a part in my sickness. My doctor, and she is the greatest in "my eyes", has taught me well, and by this I mean that I have to continue to take care of myself first, and know my limitations. I will use the term I heard her use with regards to my "recovery", and that is that I am still "fresh". I am always wary about just how "fresh" I am, and so we'll do this a little at a time, slowly. If not, I know she'll be giving me a "Big V-8 Slap!!"
The only thing that kept me from deteriorating at a much faster pace after the fire on Penny Dr with "my kids", as I call them, was that at the time my father was terminally ill and I was taking care of him at his home as he didn't want to die alone in a hospital. When I wasn't in the fire station, I was at his bedside. That's the ONLY thing that kept me going after I lost all control of my life, family, and career. I truly believe that. Focussing on my father allowed me to keep living.
Without that focus, that reason, I wouldn't have lived for long after that fire and losing those kids. You can read between those lines, as I'm not ready to write about what I was thinking about doing in some of those dark days that I was encountering. It was a struggle for my life though. And, there would be more, as my life and struggle continued onwards, and downwards.
Out of control. No control. Losing control. This was how my whole life felt. I don't know how I continued functioning, let alone working. As I said, I was in what I call "survivor" mode, and
I was really scared.
I had so much coming at me that I didn't understand, or know how to fix or control that I was deteriorating to the point that I had only enough energy to somehow continue to work, and perform my duties as a firefighter (somehow??) but absolutely nothing else. I remember that some days I would spend most of my day either asleep, or sitting in a chair in my livingroom, scared to go out just in case someone would "know" that I was sick. I started to deteriorate and become a recluse, as I was "sick" and different now, not normal as I said, or so I thought. I felt extremely embaressed, not deserving, ashamed inside for feeling and being this way. Who would want to be associated with me? What would they think of me? Was anyone onto me at work? Were people noticing things and changes in me? There's many many more questions that I had that will follow in future writings though.
I was trying to "hide" in plain sight as they say. I had such a good facade and learned to hide and keep my "secrets" so well that no one knew at work. At home, although I thought Iwas doing a good job of hiding my troubles, my wife knew, but didn't broach the subject. This obviously was not her fault though, as she too was alone watching me deteriorate and not knowing what to say or do for me, or our family as a whole. You just don't talk about mental issues, that was what society said to do. She was watching and losing the person she once knew, and was also so scared that she couldn't talk about it with me or anyone. So, we were both silent and denied. Pretend that nothing was wrong. It'll go away, or if we don't acknowledge that there's a problem, then we won't have to deal with it. There will be no problem. Right?? Besides that, I was still trying to "fix it" and hoping and telling myself that everything would pass and somehow it would all go away. Right? That's extremely destructive as I know now, in regards to mental health problems, denial, and not getting help. You can end up losing it all. Everything.
That's why we MUST talk openly about mental health issues! This is why I am choosing to talk openly about MY mental health issues now. I just about lost it all.
Till next week, Thanks, Larry
Since this will be hard for me, I know, and very lengthy, I'm sure, as there are so many symptoms, feelings and emotions that I went through, I will try to list and explain them to you and for you, and then write small pieces about each and how it played a part in my sickness. My doctor, and she is the greatest in "my eyes", has taught me well, and by this I mean that I have to continue to take care of myself first, and know my limitations. I will use the term I heard her use with regards to my "recovery", and that is that I am still "fresh". I am always wary about just how "fresh" I am, and so we'll do this a little at a time, slowly. If not, I know she'll be giving me a "Big V-8 Slap!!"
The only thing that kept me from deteriorating at a much faster pace after the fire on Penny Dr with "my kids", as I call them, was that at the time my father was terminally ill and I was taking care of him at his home as he didn't want to die alone in a hospital. When I wasn't in the fire station, I was at his bedside. That's the ONLY thing that kept me going after I lost all control of my life, family, and career. I truly believe that. Focussing on my father allowed me to keep living.
Without that focus, that reason, I wouldn't have lived for long after that fire and losing those kids. You can read between those lines, as I'm not ready to write about what I was thinking about doing in some of those dark days that I was encountering. It was a struggle for my life though. And, there would be more, as my life and struggle continued onwards, and downwards.
Out of control. No control. Losing control. This was how my whole life felt. I don't know how I continued functioning, let alone working. As I said, I was in what I call "survivor" mode, and
I was really scared.
I had so much coming at me that I didn't understand, or know how to fix or control that I was deteriorating to the point that I had only enough energy to somehow continue to work, and perform my duties as a firefighter (somehow??) but absolutely nothing else. I remember that some days I would spend most of my day either asleep, or sitting in a chair in my livingroom, scared to go out just in case someone would "know" that I was sick. I started to deteriorate and become a recluse, as I was "sick" and different now, not normal as I said, or so I thought. I felt extremely embaressed, not deserving, ashamed inside for feeling and being this way. Who would want to be associated with me? What would they think of me? Was anyone onto me at work? Were people noticing things and changes in me? There's many many more questions that I had that will follow in future writings though.
I was trying to "hide" in plain sight as they say. I had such a good facade and learned to hide and keep my "secrets" so well that no one knew at work. At home, although I thought Iwas doing a good job of hiding my troubles, my wife knew, but didn't broach the subject. This obviously was not her fault though, as she too was alone watching me deteriorate and not knowing what to say or do for me, or our family as a whole. You just don't talk about mental issues, that was what society said to do. She was watching and losing the person she once knew, and was also so scared that she couldn't talk about it with me or anyone. So, we were both silent and denied. Pretend that nothing was wrong. It'll go away, or if we don't acknowledge that there's a problem, then we won't have to deal with it. There will be no problem. Right?? Besides that, I was still trying to "fix it" and hoping and telling myself that everything would pass and somehow it would all go away. Right? That's extremely destructive as I know now, in regards to mental health problems, denial, and not getting help. You can end up losing it all. Everything.
That's why we MUST talk openly about mental health issues! This is why I am choosing to talk openly about MY mental health issues now. I just about lost it all.
Till next week, Thanks, Larry
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